it's more like knocking against a wall...

you know... God...

help me to forgive them for they know not what they talk about...
help me to forgive them for they know not what i go through...
help me to forgive them for they simply do not understand one single bit...
help me to forgive them for the simple reason that all these that they do are nothing but defensive mechanisms of the human body...

'cos i know for a fact that this is not the true me... but this is the me that has been moulded since the day i could understand... these people have no doubt been in want... whereas i have not... but the difference is that they have never ever been in want of a helping hand... or a hand that wishes the very same goal... whereas i have...

and through all those indifferences... we are who we are through our experiences...

which is of course why i get it when i don't really get along...
which is of course why i concentrate and work better when i'm alone... but from time to time... sadly and unfortunately... i still require help like any one else...

but all these people know... contrary to what they think they know... is only on the outside...

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otherwise God... how could a prayer go from....

a pure and raw child-like interest... which was never really fulfilled to what i thought it would be...

to a prayer of sweet puppy-likeness... fairly fulfilled...

to a prayer of shock... dismay... and utter disregard in school... unfulfilled

to a prayer of minute hope that could have arisen... unfulfilled

to a prayer of feeling so lost... unfulfilled

to a prayer of numbness and where i convinced myself that maybe nothing at that time was worth even one ounce of help or care and concern... unfulfilled...

to a prayer of being just very very and utterly simply good enough... just good enough... but no... unfulfilled...

to a prayer of possible surprises... and also very cautiously allowing some minute belief that there could be hope once again... unfulfilled

to a prayer of a point of encouragement and reason why your best might just be worth it... unfulfilled...

to a prayer of... unfairness....

and of course the one little prayer since day 1.... of healing and restoration...


unfulfilled...


and i didn't even get an answer at all...


while i've never had much 2nd doubts... how then am i expected to actually really believe with all my heart... mind... soul and strength...?

it's an impossible task...





no this isn't purely envy... 'cos it's what i've wanted... desired... since i could remember my very first prayer... since my very first words that i could remember saying of "police"... "catch"... "red"... "man"...




no... but the envy just make it all the more worse....

better late than never....

hmm... this post should have been made earlier... but i just didn't have the mood to do so...

first of all... i take back what i said about uni being akin to poly... nah... i think it's more like 99999 level of secondary school... really... the maths and science stuff... i still get nitemares... and the friends are few and far in between... but there is one which i really wanna keep... because of the things i'm reminded of....

yea... it's still sinking in... and it does take getting used to...

the hope when you lie there in the hospital...
the hope that you might get surprised some day....
the hope that the lies and excuses might stop...

hmm... then there wasn't even a picture to go by...

well they said it would take the same amount of time to know... and then to forget... so here we go...

omg... uni life sucks so much...

when everything doesn't mean a thing...

i really shouldn't try any more...

just give up and suck it up...

there are places which are more deserving... and better for me too...

while i once believed that opposites were better... i'm begining to see how those of a same feather might have the same effect...

but still...


anyways... it's so exhausting...



don't know if i'm right to say this... but even though the ship has sailed... as long as it knows you are there... there's always the opportunity and chance it might come back for refueling... because i loved the tuesdays and thursdays... and i was observing all the time... and from what i saw... i hoped that i could be right for once...

too bad...

heck... at least there's a picture this time... and i wouldn't have to listen to any lies...



no one deserves such crap... least of all people who know how to treasure it....

this feels like poly again... up 999 levels

it's so much harder... but i just don't mean academically...

it all feels the same again... 'cept less an alwyn or so to crap with... no big brother or so to introduce me to the "bad" things... lol... it's where i started on anime or anything japanese for that matter... which of course led to YUI...

here in NUS... you deal with all sorts of people... and you learn how different the education system is... the way poly and jc grads think and write... world of a difference... and when the grades don't agree with you... it gets so much more discouraging...

oh and the fact that i have a crappy tutorial teacher.... when i could have a welly pretty one! :(

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in any case i still can't quite forgive the lies... and how i tried to convince myself that it was possibly the truth... it's probably going to stay that way for now... for awhile...

aren't we all nice IF we want something....?

you know... if i had been that way in pri 6... it would have been so very much different... at least till sec 4... and i do think i could have convinced it to go past that even...

funny how everything just grows cold like that when left alone...

hindsight's such a wonderful thing... and the list of people who you can trust gets smaller everyday...


but maybe there are better things to come... right..?



RIGHT?



yea right....

so what's new...?

well would i be wrong to say that everyone was informed about the little change but me...?


sigh... how things change...



but why do the show-offs still get to show-off...? and even more and more...?


God probably thought of the sin to fit the commandment instead... so that it would be (confirm, guarantee pruss chop) broken....

"hmm... do not envy eh? a.k.a teh most dangerous sin of 'em all!! sounds cool..! ok... err... now let's define envy..."

another week...

i guess something just clicked within today...

some new approach is needed...

more than just a powerpoint...

in the crossing of paths each day...
i wished we could be closer than a powerpoint....
but how could something like that be so hard...?

'cos this is not the way i had planned for it to go...
i just wish i knew what to do...
i just wish i knew what to do...

and i just wish that God would help me through...


i would be lying if i said i was fine...
and school's been just so tough...
yea... it hurts...
and i'm sick and tired...
but so what...?

it's rinse and repeat tomorrow...

a setback...

i felt really disappointed and discouraged... it really wasn't what i was expecting to see... actually... i think i'm really really scared...

and so i kept asking Him what had happened... but no answer as usual... i did pray about it... i really did... so this definitely came as a shock... and i don't know if i will be able to overcome this...

maybe it was a tinge of over confidence? i really don't think so... but i'm trusting that there's a reason for everything... and i do have faith that come the next round... i would be able to do it through Him...

it's actually okay if i get disappointed... but it's just the money that i hate to waste... and it's all that i've ever been able to be actually happy about till now...

actually what else can i do now...? it's all in His hands...

i'm sorry for everything God.... i really need help
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people can't seem to criticise enough don't they..? oh yes... the irony... but seriously now... what ever happens... i still think that the song i wrote was quite an achievement in any case...

if only i had the voice and skills to play the keyboard and do a nice recording...

decisions...

and so somewhere along the way you realise it's time..... that things should have to be different from now...

it's something that won't change no matter what... and praying about it... well... i dunno... but i feel it kinda defeats the purpose and demeans everything... it really is rather lame to do so...

it's true... but unfortunately i don't have the necessary strength to change things... go in a different direction or something...

the last time or so took me at least 2 years to make up my mind.... to decide...

hmm...
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something i learnt about myself during the last recess week.... my favourite pastime is to look for antivirus, firewalls and antispyware proggies to use... lol... i could just spend the entire day contrasting and comparing... trolling through forums to look at the comments to see which one is better...

where then i'll turn off the computer and think about it.... and den later on i'll go back and devour every piece of information again....

and this process actually takes place a few times before i come to a decision to what proggie i want....
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kinda tells you how much thought process is put into before i make any decision... and so when things don't work out... i take much longer to recover from disappointments...

oh... and i hate it when people attempt to tell me to do something that they don't know any better... i mean i wouldn't tell you what to do in such a situation... so what gives you the right to tell me...? especially so when i know you don't know what you're talking about....

if i keep trying... and trying... and still am trying... what does that say...?

don't know why people think that i give up or just don't care....

but i put more pressure on myself than most know...

it's just that i need to rant at times...


it's really not been easy...


anyways... you may be right if you say i'm feeling the pressure....

but it's something i've always looked for and known even before all these people around me started thinking.....

i just really really... don't know any more.....


classes on tues and fridays are really a chore... and those are just but the reminders...

how i humour myself...

okay... so whoever is in the know... is in the know already.... i didn't say anything till the topic came up... and because of YUI... it apparently it did... so i felt it was maybe time to let him know...

and it ended with...

me: "hmm... yea maybe... but i'm not really jason..."

him: "ha.... yes you're not"


lol... just wonderful stuff...

another sunday...

lol... i was just talking about being envious... and today's lesson at pkc was about envy... ahaha...


althought i do think i'm still light years away from the envy leads to murder part.... heck i've accepted that it's not gonna be about me... and well yea it shouldn't... but still... i do need something in my life...

making lemonade out of lemons...? i want something else to drink for a change... you know it's like you're stuck at some job class wanting to level up... but you just can't... unfortunately the quest to level up takes at least a year to complete... and it is a random event... so you try... at the end of the year you fail... and you slowly wait for the next opportunity to try again... rinse and repeat...

go figure...

---------------------------------------------------

i thought praise and worship was pretty good today.... it's always nice to have a bunch of kids around singing loudly... and just totally enjoy themselves praising God... if anything the music seems to sound better... and i personally feel happier to play....

i just wish they'd cut the... "eh... i play the cd... you play like that... okay?"... i mean it's really lame... so why don't you try singing like the cd for a change...? instead of people having to lead you into the song... come in for you.... sheesh.... i really think while at least the musicians have been improving... the song leaders have not improved at all... yes... every single one of you...

worse.... ask me to play the intro the other person who played this song before me played.... >< that's a little... aiyah... i think it's better to leave it to what keys my fingers decide to press that that point of time...

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and it's because you see christians like that... who complain about things and make comparisons like that... and you wonder what being a christian really is like...

i get reminded about what i'm missing.... -.-

"i don't really do this... i don't really do that...

(no actually i do... actually the truth is i just don't really give a damn...)"


gawd... and after i tried so hard to believe it.....


i don't understand why it is so easy for some people.... i'm envious alright... but that's just the way things work is it?... it's really something that you don't have to try so hard after all... because if you do... then something is severely wrong...

picked up my favourite book to read again.... and i realised he totally echoed my thoughts then... i wasn't alone in the reasons why we work so hard...

only realise it was all for nothing....

i still don't understand why it is so easy for some people.... i mean you talk talk talk talk... attempt to please... work hard... but some one else just comes in... does the same, less or nothing... well... and then it's all useless....

the lies... the time of silence and ignoring...

argh...

i did all i could already....

but you know... school's been really shitty... fucked up... the workload is crazy... so much so i actually prayed all the way to school for some peace of mind....

the worst part...? i get reminded every monday and thursday about what i'm missing....

the means don't justify the end...

it's not that i'm feeling the pressure....

but it makes it worse when you see those pictures before you...

it's the way i grew up..... i've always lead my life on those very principles.... it was always about personalisation and not generalisation

in recent times i thought i was wrong....

but may have unknowingly been right all along....

because when the means don't justify the end....

it's time to stop... and revert to what doesn't disappoint...

school stress and desperation....

i was sitting there trying to rush out correcting the physics data tables...

and then my mind wondered off yet again... you know... how nice it would be... what they would have asked... and what i would have answered... the individual parties playing their roles...

gawd... i would make a so much better script writer than those hacks at mediacorp doing the crossovers with malaysian tv....

circumstance however... is not as forgiving... and i continue to put myself out there to get hurt again and again...

and again...




randomly flipping the "purpose driven life"... brought me to a page that had been in my thoughts since day 1...

i could only lol at it...


exact words which i had been telling myself... prior examples to follow....

sorry... i'm just desperate for something good to happen... or for these "trials" to end...

hmm... desperate is an understatement

not a good night....

it was mainly just all about learning to trust....

to learn that during the last few years in poly that there was actually more to things than me, myself and I...

it was about posibilities...

a way to share experiences...
some hope for an outlet...

a reason to believe that i could do things better...
give my best... yet still feel that it wasn't enough...


maybe even little sacrifices somewhere in between....


in a way... i was happy to do it all....


believe me... i definitely prayed... thanked Him when it seemed well... and of course questioned when it went wrong... dun blame me for that...

but... through it all.... i wondered if things could be different... i still felt alone...

and i hated to wake up to rinse and repeat.... absolutely despised it...

---------------------------------------------------------------

this is no way to treat me.... i just wanted to reiterate that....

i am not the nicest person in the world.... but i have done nothing wrong... especially things like this...

actually i even surprised myself at the lengths i went to.....

still i forgive... i try to understand... but i won't forget....

misplaced innocence....


so goodnight... -.-
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and now they realise that i was being nice when i brought the laptop to them....

not even going to try anymore....

just came back and i turned on the laptop to see if my lecturer replied on the meetup...


nada...


went to see UP in 3D and was fairly disappointed... first of all the actual 3D-ness of it all was like only 2%.... and all the "so touching-ness" and tear-jerking-ness... didn't really present itself to me... the only part i thought was not too bad was when (spoiler... anyways it's at the end la) the old man represented the father to pin the badge on the scout.... only the mother turned up... so this begs the questions...

now this boys and girls... is where my lit teacher would have stopped the friggin show and asked... DOES THE BOY'S FATHER REALLY EXIST? I MEAN DOES HE KNOW ABOUT THE EVENT? IS HE IN THE COUNTRY? IS HE EVEN ALIVE??? AND WHAT ABOUT THE CONCEPT OF LYING... DID THE BOY LIE ABOUT HIS FATHER...? OR DID THE FATHER LIE TO THE BOY ABOUT BEING AT THE CEREMONY...? WHAT IS THE DIRECTOR TRYING TO PORTRAY HERE...? DISCUSS!!!!


but.... that's just me....



anyways... on my way home... my thoughts ran for a brief 30 secs... ranging from wad my tutor would reply... how i was going to answer him... i also played out something else in my head... and then... i caught a hold of myself....

what the hell am i doing...?

if it's anything i've learnt.... is not to play out events in my head....

for goodness sake... please remember that.... for :

a) it always doesn't come true...
b) refer to a)....
c) i don't see the point at all in envisioning something if... refer to b)


so i'm really really tired of trying... really really tired... -.-... if i take time and effort to do something... i would really like it to work out the way i planned it...

do i or don't i go back to policies that fit me 2 years ago.... will it even fit me now...?

so maybe it comes down to the whatever is in His will... will be done... and maybe i won't even have to complain or lift a finger at all.... and everything falls pleasantly into place....

or maybe... i don't know... but winston's threat is still hanging over me like this fever that comes and goes...

i'm scared....

--------------------------------------------------------

oh and one more thing.... i realised your words can't be trusted anymore....

friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend...

it just goes on and on forever doesn't it...

trying to be encouraging...

i... don't know why i continue...


or maybe as i learnt today... it's against my principles... to stop...






God, i just don't wanna end up like winston....

digging up the past to the present...

"are you okay...?"

sheesh... i find myself saying that almost at least once every other day to someone....


i can't remember the last time i heard it though....

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then some things just don't disipate... i just realised it's already been around 12 years since the day of that so-called "project".... but it really goes to show that no matter how close you were to someone... you'll get used to his/her non-existance in less than a year... and after that... you'd wish they never reappear to mess things up again....

it's the same story year in year out these days...


and it's going to be one of the things i'm still in the midst of forgiving and forgetting... so maybe it'll be on my proverbial list of "things to do if i have 24 hours left to live."...

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so it's still only one chance that i ask for... to be good enough... 'cos i have absolute faith in myself that i won't let anyone down...

omg... school starts tmr... and i'm in no condition to do so...

i may have just realised the extent of the unfairness from the start....

how all my efforts from the get-go were being undermined by things BEYOND MY CONTROL...

look... i'm not saying if it hadn't happen things would have been smoother or different... it's more or less that things would have concluded the same... i know my limits... i know what i'm capable of... it just hurt no one to try my best... only myself perhaps...

but just that it definitely played a MASSIVE part in deciding how things would have worked out....


that much i'm so damn sure...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! i hate this feeling....

this last 1 year in taiwan sucks...

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i think i'm currently all whacked out with school starting and everything... i can't even think straight....

i seriously don't think i'm being pressured into anything... but if it's anything i hate the most... it's people who try to act as though they know everything just because they are going thru it....

bugger off...

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once i've had enough of disappointments (soon.. i guess).... i'm going to turn my back and run as far as possible... it's only human nature to want to do so....

i really wish it didn't have to be this way...

i'm sorry i couldn't have things work out the way i hoped... from learning to let go and to forgive and to forget... to finding that something special... and worth the efforts... until now that we're back at square one...

it was about being so comfortable... a first actually...

it was about the talents...

and it was about being scared and upset...

i guess the last 2 years or so have been a really eventful time... the somewhat highs and extreme lows experienced... well they have been more meaningful than my previous secondary thru poly years...

i think zhanhe made the most telling comment when he asked if there was any pictures that i had... and of course there wasn't... so that says everything...

so there's no chance... and it's all over... thus it's up to time to heal...



and so i leave you with some raw and sweet talents...

小豬 - 愛一直閃亮


although i'm very biased.... and i definitely think 薇安did better....~!

as if it wasn't enough...

"THERE'S NOTHING THE FUCK GOING ON...!" i shouted back when i finally couldn't take it anymore...



it made how i was feeling even worse didn't it...?



because just for this very once i wished the nagging and the accusations were true...

can only say i tried my utmost... but it played out this way...

continued from the previous post...

and so my boss continued on...

boss: you were definitely more than we hoped for... i can safely say you performed beyond our expectations...

me: thanks sir...

boss: however... if there's one thing i realised that you have to change... it would be your social skills... you don't really mix around that much... it's always the same usual group of friends... and i feel that you may like to improve on that... i also observed that you can't really take pressure... that you get easily agitated... but also having said that... i understand that this was definitely not an easy job to handle because of your upperstudy... and it was a steep learning curve for you...

me: yes sir... agreed to some extent...

of course i'm not going to waste my breath explaining myself to him... a totally useless thing to do... but anyways... so i can just get it off my chest...

1) i just wonder if he was comparing me to yihang... well... duh... sir if you would like to count the number of hours he was ever in office.... the number of morning offs taken... i too would have excellent social skills... i just hope you all realise sooner or later how much work i have done being the only clerk who is ever present in the orderly room...

2) yes... in some sense i can't take being stressed... but that's only because while i'm busy thinking or working with all the documents... people come in with all sorts of requests...

- for help with using the photocopier...
- duty amendment forms...
- to check their leave records...
- to scan their thumbdrives...
- to check and solve the OA problems...
- to fax documents...
- to get nominal roll...
- to apply home leave...
- to change remittance... (well after the closing date)
- to do claims...
- i also answer every call that comes in and attempt to call the person needed to call back to the caller....

and above all that... during duty weeks i get ready the despatch and go to the post office and then rush back in time to get the RO done and signed...

so i would actually tell his theory of me not being able to handle stress to go to hell for all i care... i can well take the pressure better than any one else...

truth is... all i needed was to hear some words of encouragement so that i would know that my time here was worth it no matter the shit that was place before me... from the people that meant the most to me... but it didn't work out... so maybe you can see how that might have affected my moods and feelings sir... case in point... yihang was on the DVT almost every night for a few hours... i just hoped for a few mins a week...

but sir... if anything... i just want to say i tried my best in everything that i did there... and nothing less...

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i guess i went through some of my lowest points during the last 1 year... when all i could do was just watch on and hope for the best... or when there was totally no communication at all... then it sort of became better for awhile... then there were the empty promises and silly excuses... and then when was i got injured in june... lying in hospital alone... or moving around camp all bandaged up... and i hoped so much that some how i would be able to hear those words "it's okay..."... these were definitely the low points where i got really discouraged and i wondered if it was all worth it throughout...

it's over i guess... but these are deeply etched memories that will stay forever...

it could be i was just being stupid...

i still remember the events that flashed through my head when cco asked what i had learnt during the past 1 year...


the stress...
the pain...
the arguments...
the misunderstandings...
the stubbornness....
the insensitive....
the repetitiveness...
the laziness...
the outright daring...
the advantage-takers...
the unfairness...
the politics...
the ungratfulness...
the disappontments...

the feeling of being all alone...


i remembered the times i was all alone in office with the pile of work... close to tears... and then looking around and at my phone... realising that there was simply no one i that i could call for help or just a little encouragement... especially so during the weekends...

or even the few hours i was lying in hospital after my accident....

just then some one comes into the office and asks if i could check his leave balance...


SO WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR DOCU CLERK FOR YOU IDIOT...? AND NO... I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE TRAINING SPEC IS....!!!


newcastle gets relegated... once close friends and people that i like are leaving or have left... even you are slowly and surely slipping away from my life...


so sir.... i've learnt that the past year wasn't worth it at all... yes i would have been more miserable back home... but this wasn't how i expected things to be... all the effort and feelings that i've put into everything this one year plus... i've gotten nothing in return...

lol... but i couldn't tell you that could i...?

thus... i've learnt absolutely nothing...


or rather maybe that the effort i put out and the results i reap are usually inversely proportional... unfortunately... i only believe in giving my best in everything i do... it's really too bad then...

say it isn't so...

tiring days ahead... fortunately met veronica and he xuan yesterday... or i would be completely lost....



so anyways... the last thing i need now is any discouragement... did i really come back just to see and experience all of this...?


they were spot on when they asked if i had any... no of course... and that's where it began to make sense...



why couldn't it be my overactive imagination in play...?


it's all i want at this moment... i don't think i'm asking for much... can i not keep everything to myself and myself alone...?


no la... i just keep telling myself that if i wasn't the finance clerk i wouldn't come back at all... VES till Mar 09 at least... an escape... or procastination having to face the realities...


anyways it's too late... grin and bear it... or maybe it's an accident waiting to happen...

knowing next to nuts... or even less....

i realised that no matter how much i tried... it wouldn't make a difference after all...



i think already i've tried my best... all i can only do now... is hope... and MAYBE pray...


because that's the very basics... the simple things... the first steps that one would take...



i've taken those step... or at least tried... picked up everything i could... and i've even tried to move on from there.... but it's not for me to do alone...



or maybe i really don't know anything at all... and it's just been so discouraging all this time...





the 5 year plan seems my only viable option for now... 4 years of NUS if i can last that long... and 1 year to get something stable... and then... i dunno... tw to find wa?... 20 years old then... far fetched... but i think it's more real to me than anything now...

i just want to know it's worth my efforts...

it's all about the prize...

what if it's like in the movies... where the "outcasts" usually end up with it... i'm always the outcast mind you...

or is it my time is already over...? am i that idiot who has to endure then the aftermath of when everything went smoothly...?



have i been really that stupid the past 1 year...? believing that if i worked hard... it would be worth it...


wow.... how delusional...


and here i'm told the rewards are in heaven...



too ironic if you ask me...

the things you say...

i don't know why you insult me by insulting yourself...




this isn't right...




still i deserve better...

the old one can go fly kite...

how on earth he could have claimed to have known you is totally and absolutely beyond me....

well.. maybe 3rd time's the charm...

no... i hope not...


i guess after the bycicle accident... learning to get past each week without thinking about it... maybe i'm actually having second thoughts...

i'm only 8 more days away you know...


in the ideal world currently... i could just drop everything back there and carry on here... i don't think there's anything there that is worthwhile anymore... i would just be going through the motions each day... and i hate that thought...

maybe even despise...?


or maybe i have just so little faith....



yea 'cos each night i'm glued to the tv at 10pm... if not 12am... if not catching it on youtube... and when i talk about things like that you people ask if i have a favourite shrink or if i need a referral... well... mind your own business... if doing things the sane method had been any use... i wouldn't be here now...

the ideal japheth would wait a few more year down the road and have a go at it... and be happily ever after...



yea i'm still hurting from that experience...



work could be as simple as getting people to attempt to throw a NT$10 coin onto a piece of 50cm x 50cm board (or was it less?) for prizes... no need a university degree for that... may help with the physics of it thought...

anyhow....

but that would kinda be hard on dear 薇安 wouldn't it...? LOLs....


in any case... i might actually need that number of the shrink sometime in the future... status quo will kill me one day... but as of now... i'm too lazy to do anything about it... and besides... even if i tried... i might only aid in hastening things...

lol... actually... i shouldn't give a damn...


i have the greatest wallpaper in the world right now...

it's been quite a ride....

you know... coming here... my purpose...

they said i could draw closer... suddenly it seems that i was even further then i acutally realised... how far could i have fallen back...?

actually... you watch 薇安 and somehow you realise how different things could have been... then is there really anything to be thankful for...?


deep down God... you know that i know... but... other than that... it doesn't seem much right...? is that enough...?

i doubt it...


not what i signed up for...


not what i expected...



and i'm guessing You know the reason why i'm so far away... sheesh... it's a never ending loop eh...? so try to forgive me...

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damn it... i thought you were better than that... or maybe you might have taken something from what i have done... even a teeny bit...

anyways if i had something like that say last april or begining of may... i would have been erm... happy... maybe...

but now...

lol... speechless maybe...? i really don't know how to put it... or maybe i can't believe it...

forget it... i don't know how i should react... so i'll sleep on it...



or is it i don't care anymore...?

so let me dream...

heard this song on 薇安's guestbook... i think it's okay... don't really understand the whole sophia slash "so-fire" slash sapphire thing... but i guess there's some story behind it...

oh well... you know... lol....


it's been almost a good 3 weeks now... maybe there isn't really any more point to it anymore...

maybe when you really believe in something... you really take at face value what the other person says... you would never stop to actually think how stupid to outrageous it might actually be... because you want to believe in it so much...

and now looking back... the it was all there... and they were freakin obvious... and obviously legitimate fouls....

------------------------------------------------------------------

i suddenly realised this week that there is more... and so much more out there... and even though i may not stand any chance... i can dream can't i...?

so let me dream... because my dream just had a whole new spelling to it... or you could just say it was perfect... exactly how it was drawn in my imagination... in my dreams... and if it could come to life it would exactly be this...


and if anyone asks how i realised this... i'll tell them... but they'll never believe it...


---------------------------------------------------

i wonder what people would say... do... i wonder what would happen....

one bad fall....

if it's anything i learnt...


it's that i thought there would have been at least a little bit of compassion...


not much to ask i hope...


but i was the only one who actually bothered to plan... care... give...



so this experience and pain.... it's well worth it....


from now on it's don't ask don't say... don't talk....

i usually don't blog like this...

i was actually quite against watching star trek... it would have just spoilt the day...

but wth... just enjoy the show for what it was...


anyways... it was much better than expected... i did forget about everything until the credits started rolling...


lol... wasn't it me who insisted on watching star trek the previous week anyways...?



it's better this way too i guess...






and argh... newcastle... since i was a kid...

can i stop subscribing to lies..?

because it's always say one thing and do another...


hmm sorry... i'd admit i was totally wrong about you...

apparently i'm not too good a judge of character...


anyways... it COULD have been worse...



so tell me then... what's changed..?



oh well... it's the weekend... and as usual everyone else is in KHH... and i've just finished duty... so it's off to bed... and i'll try to sleep it off for the rest of the day...

still wondering...

i don't know... but suddenly this makes everything quite meaningless...

the weekdays of slogging... to hell with it...

and while people rest in khh over the weekend... you don't have the approval done... too busy... and it's true...


apparently people who work less get rewarded wih the rank... cards... gifts... and yes... even the DVT at night... and deservedly so...

no logic totally...



i realised that everything done is seriously useless... and it doesn't make a difference... people will still treat you the same way no matter what... because at the very basic level... they don't appreciate it that much...

no matter what...




i don't know what sucks more... staying here... facing that work everyday with zero rewards... or going back...

no reason to look forward to either....


and where have all the good friends gone...? you know... the ones who would care enough to warn you before you get hurt without you asking them... and definitely not answer a "dunno" or "huh" even if you ask them... apparently you guys just like to think... "aiya... we'll just let the road signs warn him... not our business anyways..." 'cos yea... the road is supposed to have signs anyways... but please... if you know the fucking road is ending say something...!


wasting my breath here...



bah... it's just me my fault and i... so i'll tell you i'm sorry... case closed... as simple as that...

too bad it wasn't next week already... or it would have made one hell of a birthday present...



no... i would to go back to august 1986 and give them one big tight slap each and ask them to wake up their ideas...


now that was i wanted to tell you anyways...

i just wish you'd tell me earlier....

yea well of course it's disappointing... but i just wanted to know the truth from you... 'cos it always seemed to be so difficult...

anyways it was always so disappointing each time already... something always seems to crop up....

but i really had to as i would never ever make you do anything you didn't want to...

kinda feeling a little stupid now... for all those previous times...

i'm so sorry for everything then...

too sweet too soon....?

i just wanted to tell you this....

okay... the entire trip wasn't that horrible... but it was more or less spoilt by the horrendous trip up and the fucked up trip down that stupid mountain... let's just say the last time i had motion sickness... puking my guts out... was in the van in cambodia going to the villages...

and somehow during my unconciousness before the puke... the vehicle contrived to breakdown just 15mins into the 1.5 hr trip down the mountain... apparently the oil tank had been scratched open as we were moving past the bumps in the road.... so after that... we had to wait another 2.5 hours for the tow truck... before bumping down the remaining 1.25hrs of the mountain... maybe even longer since it was a tow truck....

the view up there was nice... but... definitely not worth the trip... and don't get me started on the nature walk...


and then after that it doesn't really matter because i wasn't feeling very well already... and it may also have been due to caffeine overdose... 2 x espresso in the night and then another 2 in the morning for 2 days straight isn't exactly the way to go...


as it is now... my head's still spinning...

------------------------------------------------------

some one said i was being too sweet when i talked about getting the jacket... too sweet too soon...

you know... for my sake... i wanted to prove that some one and myself wrong...


but i can't...

------------------------------------------------------

and so thank you God for this wonderful life...

give me my entitlements.... like everyone else...

i think i am entitled to put the whole entire blame squarely on her... do you know the possibilities that could have happened...?

hmmm okay... maybe none of you do... but i know the truth... and i'm telling you... it would have been so damn different...

well... for starters... i would NOT have to wonder all day if i'm doing the right or sane thing continuing with this belief that this would come true...

do you know it is such mistakes in life that end up hurting another life permanently...? i hope that none of you have to go through it... but then again... go through it before judging me....



my friend said that he would just go and kill 'em all... and end it with suicide... because his whole world would have come crashing down... yea it's unstable thoughts he admits...



me...? i'd just still be wondering where i went wrong... but somewhere along the way it has to stop being my fault... because that's what it's always been... my fault...



how now to be long-term... when i can't even start a term...? i know what i should expect... and this isn't it... it most definitely isn't...

things that suck...

a) dinner... movies... company...

now who would have the heart to go and tell this kid that the dreams... it's all gone... it will never come true...?

listen here... i'll only go on with this shit for as long as i need to... because of the people i respect... and those i have a responsibility for... after that... i'm out... though i still can't decide how...

b) okay... who can tell me what's wrong with those people born in '89 and after...? it's like a whole generation gap... i mean these people are practically living in their own world... no one ever knows what it means to be serious....

c) i think someone has to update me on the definition of friends these days... because i really don't think i recognise anyone anymore... come on guys... at least let me know...

wtf.. you all just get off on people getting slammed into the wall with egg on their faces... seriously... enough with the ignoring and hoping it will all go away thing... okay... so apparently ignoring is the new 'no'... who would have thought that... for goodness... we ain't in primary school anymore....

anyways... i don't mean to be mean here... but i really hope it happens to all you idiots out there who won't help... go find the light switch in a strage house in the dark... you'll see what i mean...

d) disruption...

e) newcastle...

f) swine flu...

these words stand for something...

it should have my dream when my left hand extended...

or at the most when there were alternating currents...

but only because there was something i couldn't save...

because now... the innocence and everything's lost...

newcastle... oh newcastle....

nice article written....

http://www.stuffbypaulbrown.com/newcastle-united-the-pie-chart-of-blame/


it's bloody time to wake up...

at the edge of my seat... no... not really...

i need a backup plan... or some soothing answers...

either of which... fast...


before i go over the edge... literally....


i don't know who or what gave Him the idea that i was ready for such a life... because i don't think anyone can be...

well... if it's something i did wrong... then i really wanna apologise... please let me know where i went wrong... so i won't do it again... but then again... how could i have possibly done it then...?

unless you're talking about the product... which was wrong by itself... for which i have utterly no control of... then i am speechless...

can i be allowed to apologise for their mistakes then...?




i'm sorry already... so stop punishing me... please...

i wish i had a penny for my thoughts...

i just wanna say that i've kept the chatter that i thought were important... i thought it would be something nice to look back on... to remind myself what i was doing... or basically i just wanted the power of hindsight... to see if i could find out where it all went wrong... again...

i really don't wanna go back to square one...

unfortunately it feels so much like everything before was dreamt... and now it's time to start again...

Ecclesiastes... isn't it...?



the last 3 tries were made up of responses of feigned ignorance... i guess it is a win-win situation this way... because as long as there's that inkling of hope... there's always something to gain... so who the hell in the right mind would go and deny that..? would you say no to something free...?


oh yea... you're one of them...


i'll admit i'm the first to stretch out when something free is put before me... but i would at least make sure that i deserved the freebie in the first place... that's the main difference....

do you know what does that mean...?

i'm asking if you deserve it...
i'm asking if you even know what it means to deserve it...
i'm asking if you really think that these freebies are given to other people too... or are you the only one getting it...
i'm asking you to be fair...
i'm asking you to stop playing dumb and ignorant and hope that everything will just go away and dissolve by itself...


this isn't the innocence i grew up to know...


if anyone of you knows someone else who really knows what it means to deserve something... let me know...

i want all that i deserve....

i believe with all my heart that i've worked harder... much much harder... i've tried my best... and given everything possible right now...

so don't you dare tell me i don't deserve anything...


don't any of you dare....



why is it he uses the DVT so freely every night... or even on the weekends... isn't anyone else busy...? isn't the other party...?

i can't understand how apparently they can find the time...

i can't understand it...!!!!

i can't understand for the world of me anymore why time should factor in anymore...

i can't understand why i keep trying so hard for something not even there...


unless you're telling me my whole idea of deservedness has been so warped all this while...

isn't it as simple as you deserve as much as you work for...? who's going to deny me that....? i dare i've worked hard enough to be able to at least expect something...

something called fairness...


i think what ssg beng said is very true... for what you try to hard to be the best...? you give your all for what...? you work so hard got use meh...? unless it really means something to people... they aren't going to give a damn... yea they know what you did... but give them 5 mins... and it's out of their memories... 5-10 years down the road... no one's even going to remember that you were there...

so what if you do the parade state well... so what if you send the daily report to the ops room without being asked... so what if you actually bother to stay in office so that any one who comes in will have their questions answered... so what if you make it a point to deliver the RO... so what if you make it a point to remember what you owe people... and make it a point to going back to them to give them the answer...


so what if you actually cared...?

SO WHAT...?



don't get me wrong... i'm not wishing for earthly glorifications... that would be the last thing i want... yes... a little appreciation would be nice... but what i want is a little understanding and what i think i deserve...

just a little fairness... as to what i work for... my dreams... my goals... my desires...

i only want a little fairness in my life...


to be honest... i'm really jealous of him right now....

notice... notice... no notice at all....

i wonder if i'm even doing anything that's worth anything right now... you can't deny the effort can you...?


or maybe even if i'm breathing the same air... much less if it matters...



i just want to know if there's a point in carrying on at all... or all i have to look forward to is only in my dreams....


discouraged would be an understatement...

my head aches....

i finally couldn't take it anymore today... my head was throbbing like mad... usually i would have just tolerated and worked it off... but this time was different... and fortunately the boss was really nice to ask me to go rest... and we still could joke about it...

reported sick and they said my blood pressure was a little high... sigh...

i guess it was due to the lack of everything... sleep... rest... help... people that give a rats ass about stuff in camp... people who understand... or even bother to...

and well in particular... you...


been waking up at 5 plus before turning the laptop off and going back to sleep for the past week... i wonder why....


at least i solved my NOD32 problem... and i have the latest version and virus updates now...

so here i am... just taken 2 x panadols after the cook out... i hope to feel better tomorrow...

disheartening dreams...

i must have been thinking way too much... which is why i ended up dreaming about it...

it was the usual fast and furious stuff... i don't know why my dreams can't usually be more pleasant...but it worked out in the end... and i got to hold on really tightly... which was good... ^^... a little cliche but i wished time would just stop... still i remembered i had to wake up.... and the time was 0710 already... argh! i wanted so much to have the time to carry on the dream...!

and then in the afternoon... it was part 2 where i questioned why people around never did anything to help... and apparently i was talking to people on msn and they were more or less being supportive and encouraging... hmm... finally...


but shyte... i dreamt about it... so doesn't that mean that it'll NEVER come true...? because my dreams and reality always do not agree with each other...

and so the pain intensifies ever so much more.... until i see the pointlessness of it all...

not a bad t-shirt after all...

you know... i finally picked up enough courage to wear it... because i didn't want to give myself anything to believe in yet previously...

i tried to communicate at every given opportunity... i tried my best....


'cos the things i expected to happen didn't... things that are automatic aren't... and not even 30 mins...


but it doesn't matter anymore... guess it's just like like any another one now...


i think i did everything right and within reason... bearing in mind i was on my own... the only one... so even i was amazed at the lengths i would go to...

i wonder now if there was anything i could or should have done better... or was it also all in vain...

maybe i shouldn't have mentioned my weakness... to what i could hold on to...

always like that... or at least...

talents + innocence = 2 amazing and wonderful things...

and i'll get caught... to me at least...

but why...? what happened to the innocence...? i really liked it then...

and yea... what was all that for..? because they don't deserve it if yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever more is going to remain status quo...

somethings i really can't do alone... would be great you know if people could chip in a little here and there... mention my name a little... let me know how everything is playing out... otherwise i'm always just groping in the dark like a blur cock... or at least i might not be so surprised if and when the news actually comes eh...?

then again it's not really me to actually go out and source for help... sigh...

so every now and then i stop and wonder... but i think i can trust you not to make my nightmare come true whatever the case...

sometimes i really hate being here... sometimes getting fucked for reasons beyond my control... for which i'm totally not at fault... but it's okay... someone HAS to get fucked... so be it then... at least it gives me an excuse to console myself... because i'm not there or whatever... although i know it will still the same even if i'm back or not... but yea... there's still the excuse being in taiwan for now... it's just going to be so much more painful when i'm back...

-------------------------------------------------------------

and just when i was begining to appreciate Younha a little more (currently in love with Touch right now... to think i use to hate it...)

YUI decides to do this...


<3 <3 <3

and then YUI writes a song for stereopony.... lyrics by aimi of course... the lead guitarist and vocals... also <3 <3 <3



and then By2 new (single/album?) coming out also... and YUI's is on June 22nd... Shearer taking over for the last 8 games... supported by ian dowie (why him?)

not bad not bad...

and yes... i overreact... for a reason....

maybe it's about time i thought about letting go... slowly bit by bit... having to experience that kind of news that way once is enough...


because even through that "honeymoon" period...

even through everything that i've tried to do...

even through the time i tried to take a little risk...


okay la... maybe you should know that such things and almost never ever done for no reason... there's always a reason / factor behind it... and even if there was none... i don't think i was treated the same way deserving of it all...


i would have hoped that it would be different... or it wouldn't seem so strange anymore... but why does it feel like i've never stepped out of square 1...?


unlike a certain someone... i never claimed to know anything... in fact i really don't anyways... but i'm still getting shocks and surprises... i feel so helpless... so stupid...

as if i only knew things 5 mins ago...


thanks anyways to everyone who was involved at one point or another... especially to cher and sihui... thanks for sharing in my dream... giving your comments and being so patient with me... i could feel your support and it almost felt like we were walking each step of the way together... it was something i couldn't afford to lose... and you guys knew it... but i dunno... because somewhere along the way... it all broke down...

on the bright side... it gave me a opportunity to rekindle old old old friendships didn't it...?


so where to start then... when i don't want to begin at all...? it should have been more than this by now... and such "excuses" so basically not be used at all... i wish things were more straight... at least i would know what to do next...


loads of fun while it lasted... but i just want to know what to do next... or i want the pain to go away...

falling apart...

everything may just fall apart...

so i may have been wrong... but did i have a choice...? i made myself think it was all possible... i made myself think it was a done deal..

but it was all i could hold on to... it was belief... it was hope...


have i become like one of them then...?


if it was like my dream... then it would be a case of no matter what also will try rite...? (trying hard not to cry out here...)


so that's it then... when should i start picking up the pieces again...?

let it mean something...

i just want all of this to mean of something at the end of it....


seriously... i don't even ask for much...


but i deserve much more...


'cos otherwise... what's the point...?



or my life will just be like that... and nothing more...


it's my reason why i'm this way...

korean, japanese, english and even.... does she like newcastle too...?

will she do a cover of YUI also...?!!?! or a duet...?

ok la... seriously... i would admit that i've always thought Younha sings much better than YUI...

but omg... she sings in english...? as if jap (houki boushi) and korean (audition, password 486) isn't enough... she does many many other english covers (can't fight the moonlight or the currently playing song) on youtube acutally... and even has an original (at least i think...) english song on her latest album... which i will post up later... really beautiful song...

but wait.... that's not all... check this out...



some more can dance...


piano skills 就不要再说了...


argh!!! YUI cannot lose la....

fading away..

i only want to ask what happened to those previous times...?

or were they just a simple passing fad to you...?


these days... i'm really scared to even try... but i still do it at each opportunity i can...

why...?

because... i have to... otherwise all of this would be worthless...


please don't make me change the picture... i really dread that day... i wish i hadn't said what matters most to me... what i've come to expect for everything to be worthwhile...

don't take it away from me...


because that would mean having to pick up the shattered pieces yet again...


sigh... the past few days and weeks have been driving me crazy... with nothing to counteract it all...

if only... you know... if only...

i just wanted this time to be different...

and so there's officially nothing left to take away from me...

i've never in my life claimed to have deserve anything...

but i deserved my off...

why does it seem like i deserve to be treated like that then...?

not as if i didn't work hard... but if others caused the problem... i get dragged down...? hey if the tables were turned... you would have just told me to suck thumb and wait for you to get back....

i'm not even thinking straight right now...

------------------------------------------------------------

you know... i would have at least hoped that my words would at least mean more than the passing wind...


but at least you heard the wind didn't you...?

i just wanted this time to be different...

loveable...

me: "so how..? you said u wanted to see her wad..."

sihui: "i think... average lor..."

wah lau eh... average onli..? how to compare la... haa... but... still.. you know... beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder....

sigh...


anyways... if you ask me... i think sihui looks a little like younha... a little... given if sihui was a little bit more rockish and cool...



and i think younha's version is sooo much better... to die for piano skills... cuter... haha... compare the songs...

Younha


vs

Original


cute song... it at least made my day la...

------------------------------------------------------

because... i was just utterly tickled by the way he tries to kiss your ass... how fake can a person be...?

hmm... this is to new levels la...

seriously... i would rather be myself and honest with you...

vision from the night market...

okay... i've got it...

i really really have....


ask me... where i wanna be in say 5-10 years time...

after sun nite at the night market... i know my answer...


so... "where do you want to be in 5-10 years time..?"

i tell you what... forget the computer programmer... or project leader... or wadever crap the universities or potential employers expect you to sprout... (actually i still don't really know how to answer this question properly with regards to what i'm going to study... i would really appreciate if someone could give me a rough idea what appointments there are... i just know i love talking to the computer... and having it listen to me...)

forget even the 5-10 years time frame.... i know where i want to see myself now... and i want it to last till... well... last....


i finally realised what i've always dreamed of... because i stood there... starring... for all of 1 min... literally standing still... imagining myself to one day be in his shoes...

sitting there... eating... and with...

zhanhe voiced it out at the point... how nice it would be to have that lifestyle... exactly what i was thinking...

and with that... i knew... it would not come true... i would forever be chasing a fruitless dream...

------------------------------------------------------------------

you know... i so wish it were vice versa... days like this... the things i anticipate so much... the only things that keep me going...

damn... the cycle repeats tmr...


oh wait... it's just me...

or maybe i'm just wanting to fail again....

talked to zhanhe... apparently i should just do it and not have to ask for permission...

i really don't know... i mean i want to... but don't think it'll be the right thing to do... just because i care more about other's feelings...



all i know is i need a reason not to fall in love with Amber 郭采潔 even more... i can't embed the vid because they blocked it... but here's the link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGTD_dv0DBI

it's in the first few minutes where she does a song... what song you ask...? omg... i wonder if she planned it...


huh...? who's 甜兒...? haha... joking joking...

there have been worse days than this...

i just wish you wouldn't cast judgement so fast when you actually have a part to play in it...


simple analogy of how to boy started to cry when no one would buy him a bottle of water... because everyone thought he was a crybaby...

point here is NOT that he could have gone and bought himself one... but that he would stop crying and would not be labeled a crybaby if someone would just GET HIM A FRIGGIN BOTTLE OF WATER... BECAUSE THATS ALL HE NEEDS....!!

because believe me... he WOULD get his own damn water if he could... the last thing he wants is to have to endure the attitudes of the people around him... it's also not that he enjoys pestering people... but that the water is essential to him...

we're not exactly talking about water here though... but still...


i'm really tired of having to say sorry when it really isn't my fault at all... just so that you would feel better... but then there's a limit somewhere isn't it...? what about me...? doesn't anyone care about what i think... what i feel...?

... everytime is just sorry sorry sorry till i don't even know what i'm sorry for...


i just wish one day you would understand....

----------------------------------------------------------

and so today i finally fell sick...

must have been the food + soya bean at 白店 in the morning... by 11am... i seriously felt like puking... in the end i couldn't take it anymore and i went to the medical centre to report sick for the very first time... medics there were encouraging me to puke anyhow...

wtf... who encourages their patients to puke!?!? anyways... they were more than eager to put me on drip... i didn't care... in the end i just left with some medication... but they'd just poke me for fun... i chose the pink yakult straw fyi...

and then i really really couldn't take it anymore... i went up to sleep... from 12pm-3pm...

jolted up...

"shit.. it's 3 already"... looked at my handphone... no messages... with 6 missed calls... looked at the laptop... oh well... ><... just certain things that the more you ponder and stare... the worse it becomes...

i felt much better anyhow... i quickly put on my slippers and ran down the stairs... the boss' car was gone... but i remembered i promised QM to see him though... so i quickly changed up and got back to work....

total time of pure unconciousness... 3 hours... for all the shit i've gone through... i think i'm entitled to that 3 lousy hours... and not forgeting that half of that was actually lunch allocation...

which NSF forces himself to recover from food poisoning...?


i seriously seriously need a better life than this...

------------------------------------------------------------

have i updated that i'll be staying till july...? i signed up for 2 more months to last me till then 'cos i'd be disrupting to go study in august...

why...? why did i do that when i've been complaining all this while about the shit that happens here...?



because cher... there's really nothing to go back to...

you don't get the picture... do you...?

i dun appreciate you interfering with what ever i say or do... if i wanted your comments i would ask for it... then again why would i...?


and i have extended that courtesy to you... so pls... do likewise...


otherwise... you're really quite a sad person to be...


'cos have i mentioned that i'm really happy i don't have to endure the reality of it being you...?


i think we're all tired of your never ending praises... it's actually starting to get boring...

stuck...

guess i'm in some kind of dilemma...

2 choices... of which both are not what i want at all... 'cos there's nothing left...

is there any chance it could be made easier...?

-------------------------------------------------------

i think some where along the way... we all realised that it's becoming more and more uninhabitable here.... it's not only the work... it's also because of the people... there's really no reason to stay on anymore...

then again... neither is there a reason to go back....

i remember you said to take it as a mission trip... yea well...


i just want something good to happen once for me...

in case you didn't know...

lol... i stopped ssg goh in his tracks today at dinner and started shouting in frustration in the dinning hall... the chefs had to ask me what happened later...

i think even TO was a little shocked at my outburst....



doesn't he understand that I AM NOT A MAID...? THAT I HAVE ACTUAL WORK TO DO IN CAMP!!?!?!!!!

YES WORK....!! W-O-R-K!!!


contrary to popular belief... the reason i'm still in office is because i'm BUSY... yes... WORK - BUSY... they go hand in hand... the other 2 who aren't in office... well... THEY AREN'T BUSY AT ALL.... THEY ARE TUANG-ING BACK IN BUNK... OR RESTING SOMEWHERE ELSE... i don't have time to keep entertaining you because you can't do simple things...

why give the one that has so much work to do already even more work....?

if it's a key... you can return it wad...

if it's a plate... call messing to clear it la...


damn it... i'm losing my mind here....

-----------------------------------------------------

it's already hard enough at work... all i want to do is to come back to bunk at the end of the day to get some peace... to get some encouragement... to at least believe there was a point in this whole shit enduring tour in taiwan...

why do you have to totally ignore me...?

it's the last thing i need right now....

i'm sorry...

give me something to look forward to...

did something which i haven't done in a long time....

ahaa... nothing serious... i just went to get movies to watch...

yea... i got tired of waiting... i got tired of getting hurt or disappointed after a long day...

i got tired of being jealous of the unfairness...


i just wish 甜兒 would come back on the 2200hrs time slot...

i just wish i could go to the 邮局 and pick up something with my name on it for once...

i just wish You would heal... i wish so much...

i just wish you would care enough to tell me it's going to be okay...

but no matter what...

i just wish for you to be okay....

discouraged...

please... i beg you... don't make it worse than it already is...

please...

then only did i realise... even though i was always the one shouting at people and making fun of them... i was always the one who would always give encouragement too...

when would i get the encouragement and praise i so need... and deserve...?

why is nothing i do ever noted...? you COULD tell others you know...

you know... they go out to get mail... and you ask if they did send anything for you on the way... it's only right that they should...

"yea.. but i send only the little little things"... but you're thankful they did you a favour any how....

little little things...? so you go check the out tray... WHAT LITTLE LITTLE THINGS..? EVERY DAMN THING IS STILL THERE...! and there you see them holding on to a card and reading it in the distance...

oh... no wonder... went out to get his damn card... he had a damn card...

it's absolute nonsense....

----------------------------------------------------------

nvm... you tell yourself... it's already 1710hrs... and people are waiting... so you rush through RO... and you get it signed...

then you continue looking for that lost document... finding it... you rush back to office only to find it locked... you call the friend holding the key... and he'll open it later... so you rush to dinner then... only to find that your friends are all happily eating and finishing their meals... and you... have just only caught your breath for the day...

it's absolute nonsense...

---------------------------------------------------------

you go back to office (of course your friend didn't come to open it... you went and got another key yourself...) pack up the documents into piles you can recognise... and get out... only to find the officers needing to use the system... well okay... no problem... duh... sigh... so you stay behind...

the time reads 1800hrs... it's been a long day and you're tired... so you use the office com while waiting for the officers... then fire up facebook...

and STARE IN DISBELIEF... you really can't understand the status messages before you... why... WHY?!?!

------------------------------------------------------------

1830hrs... they're finally done.... you hurriedly pack up... return the key... and run up to the bunk... you're looking for answers... more importantly... or at least some encouragement at the end of a fucked up day....

you know... i tried... but thanks alot for just slamming the door right in my face... it was really just what i needed... thanks again...

i can understand... but that's not how we treat friends...

-------------------------------------------------------------

being scared... being disappointed... no... that's just an understatement... i'm really only 2-3 things or 1 massive thing away from just giving the hell up...

i just hope you liked the flowers...

past 2 weeks were non-stop working... dead tired la...

and it doesn't help when people become so distant... the whole irony being the further one is... the more others are going to care... it's a cycle really...

sometimes i wish people were that concerned too...

i guess it's really all in the interest of self-preservation... that we do or say things that we know would get us the least hurt... and just hope that it all goes away...

but believe me... 21 years and 9 months on... it hurts more than ever... and then you realise ... there's really no one you could talk to at all... no one who understands... no one who really cares...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

so the 25 things gave people something to talk about for a few days... ah... but now must watch what i put on facebook already...

added my boss la... lol...

><

-------------------------------------------------------------------

the day would have petty much passed without anything to mention if not for sihui starting the conversation to see how things were going...

wah lau... so nice rite... where to find friends like that anymore...? lol...

wait... sihui is single..??? HOW COULD SHE HAVE NO ONE AFTER HER...? unthinkable really... i mean with the looks and character to melt ANY guy's heart... NTU guys must be friggin blind...

oh well sihui... 3 msn flowers very good le la... haa... at least i gave you 1 lor... no one give me anything...!! so sad you know....


sigh... and now i'm just watching emo movies... :(

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didn't know what else to say or ask... or maybe 'cos I know you really don't need to hear anything like that right now...

tell me something i want to hear...

yea i know the whole "in taiwan can't do shit" thing...

and about that whole 6 months thing...

i hate to admit it... it just might be true...


talking as if they know everything... some science...

maybe they do...


but...

they don't know me..

blind me please...

sheesh... he just has to make it so the whole world knows and sees does he...?

don't even want to imagine if things were different...

no... i just did...


guess i'm just too soft-hearted... letting too many things go without a fight... maybe i need to learn to be that little bit more thick skinned... for personal and work reasons... you know...? somethings are worth it....

people talking doesn't mean you have to exactly wait for them to finish before you can say something rite... anyways... you in the end also never say a thing wad... just because people do something already... doesn't mean you cannot do the same thing... that's why... you buay hiaos...


question is... why do i have to change...? that's not me... if people don't appreciate me for who i am... what i am... sucks to be me la...

yes it affects my day... yes it irks me... it's already been like that for the past 14 months... wad else can i say...? wad else can i do...?

it's taiwan for crying out loud...

----------------------------------------------------

i wanted to ask ps tim what he thought about my concept of being punished for their mistakes... but i guess that would have definitely sent him into a frenzy...

----------------------------------------------------

i used to be able to walk outside to the piano just to sort of release my feelings and emotions on it... just play play... bang bang... tinker tinker... and i'll feel much better...

but for now... i lie down and look up... and i see the 2 pictures of YUI... and that's more than enough for comfort...

the nightmare continues on....

from one nightmare to another....

the crafting was done... now... we gotta wait... to experience the nightmare again.... if only... he created a different me.... i guarantee you we wouldn't be standing here like this right now....

sometimes... i wish i was my own best friend.... but i can only be the enemy.... i couldn't begin to tell you how much i hate myself...

><

anyways who said people at edmw weren't sentimental.... got the song playing from there... it's a really nice and sweet song... but in all honesty and humbleness... i believe i've come up with better on the fly before....

heh...

but if you have time... check this video out... same song... with lyrics sung this time... although the singing sucks.... i strongly suggest turning the sound off... but the video is quite cute.... just something for all you happy people out there...



because as always.... nmnhnblm...

back to work.... in a blur...

freakin tired today... 'cos i slept at 2.30am in the morning....

><... luckily everyone was still getting their engines started... so i didn't get scolded... YET...


took the chance to clear a niggling question or 2....

but is nothing said really better...? guess it doesn't make much of a difference anyways....


sigh... maybe if it was more encouraging... at least i won't be changing the direction of my thoughts...

thing is... i still don't know how....

but why is it so hard...?

yea... so it's kinda time when the dose of reality bites again...

and i'm left feeling so afraid and uneasy...


they all say to move on... not to put too much hope...

but i'm sorry i can't...

anyone who knows me... knows that i've never been so serious before... nothing has actually meant more to me... nothing has actually made me reflect so much on this lousy life...


i was reading... and i learnt that jacob had to work for it... but am i not doing so...? every single day is a test and challenge that i have to overcome emotionally... physically... and mentally... with no end in sight... i'm really sorry for the side track off the path... but i'm tired of doing it alone...

i wish so much that He would have written some one else into my current path... but i guess He would have already done so if He wanted... or just maybe He wants to see how far i'd go before breaking...

yea well... soon... really soon...

i don't get it... after holding my hand for the first 12 years... You let me go without even seeing if i could tread water... if i could balance myself on 2 feet... and to top it all off... a sickness that would essentially leave me on the path alone... unable to ask for help...

wow... good one...

the only possible way to explan it... is if you were asked to clean a wok with your bare hands.... without any water or detergent... yea right... 'cos no one's stupid enough to aid you in an impossible task... and well... no one else is going to use the wok unless u get it cleaned really... the dirt... grease... and grim will forever be imprinted on the surface....

so go figure....


but if anything... i'm really happy for the company so far....

it was the simplest of things after all....

well... of course it hurts la... it's all in the details isn't it...?

hmm... one was being postive... and the other... brutally negative (honest?)...


yea... the similarities... yea very suay... but den again... look who's talking... walk a step in my shoes before you make comments like that wad... though it's a fact... :(


you don't need me to tell you things like that are sort of expected rite...? but probably i was wrong then... it didn't matter....


so i really don't know if i should... but... i want to...

we'll see...

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past week was CNY break... so started watching hot shot... what kind of ending is that...?

and the whole 東方翔 and 潔兒 thing was pretty touching la... but i guess it only happens in shows... 'cos how do you get some one to love you like that...?

sigh...



it was the simplest of things after all....

the concept of time...

i can't go on making excuses anymore...

don't want to push it anymore either...

>_<...

anyways... it's really your decision...

you know... how much i want it to be me...?

maybe i should stop comparing things with the past...

but the past was better... and there's NOTHING to look forward to...


back in the past when there were no contact lenses to complicate things...


so help me to understand... tell me that there's something to look forward to...

tell me i'll be healed...

at least so i know it's still worth it...

i finally fell asleep...

sidney's music woke me up... actually no... i woke up already... but i could hear his music... and i just needed to hear a "sorry" from some one... anyone at all....

hmm... just 5 lousy mins apart... if only i could last longer...

i dunno... but i guess it would really help... if there was a little something to go on... every now and then...

>_<

i think i'm typing this in my dream or something...

too much to ask for...?

i mean it's fine... we are all selfish people... anything that doesn't actually benefit us... why waste time on it right...?

it is really SO hard..?

should have known... why ask these questions then...?

sigh... just drawing the parallels for the answers to my doubts...

but i'm still waiting...

obviously it wasn't real....

well... i just don't want to ever experience having to hear the news over a chat on msn again... sucks you know... and how long did it last anyways...? lol... go figure...

so NOT worth it...
----------------------------------------------------------

anyways.. check this 2 vids out... quite funny.... one guy trying to do a music vid with himself, himself, himself, himself... and yes... himself... cool stuff actually... the fact that he had to do it all by himself... dancing 5 times to get all the parts in....

current song playing...

Brian Shieh- Nsync- Its Gonna Be Me @ Yahoo! Video

and bye bye bye...

Brian Shieh - Nsync -Byebyebye @ Yahoo! Video

i wish we knew...

i thought it was pretty encouraging....

cheryl did so too....

but then now what...?

i really don't know....

"i don't think you shuld do anything leh"...

right...


but cher... it's hard... the more it drags on... and you can't really compare yourself with me like that wad... YOURS DIFFERENT CASE... i know it takes time... but a part of me is really scared... don't know what to think anymore... most of the time it feels like i'm the only one going for it... all alone... i always thought it should be a happy feeling... and not like this....

but i'm okay....

"eh? japh! stop thinking so much!"

yea yea... and please stop bringing jean into every conversation...? haha...

... so it remains this way huh....


sigh...

disappointed la...

don't just say one thing and never do it.... worse still... do another thing completely different....



simply sick and tired....

when will people ever be more considerate or sensitive...



i freakin deserve better than this...

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must be nice to wake up... knowing that you could make or break a person's day through what you say... or the lack thereof of it...

come to think of it... if i were in the same class... i wouldn't really have bothered would i...?

so why do i bother now...? good question actually...

even if i bothered... you would have also taken it for granted... not appreciating my precious time... otherwise... i'd leave you to rot... blind go lead the blind... grab some out of this world answers from some one else close to you....

it's not a high and mighty stance....




because some effort would be nice....

maybe because the things i do don't matter much at all....

and as she took another step... with the wind blowing across her face... wiping the tears away... for the first time in a long time... she finally felt she was free....
- vague excerpt from some book.... (eh i don't remember la!!)

no one can fault me for not trying my best.... because i did... but being held back by circumstances beyond my control was never my choice since day 1.... who am i to argue if He decided that i'd have to walk this damn path then...?

imagine that... dumb freakin mirror... kena pwned by some reflective piece of glass....

i did ever think of pressing the shut off button... and let the wind blow across my face... and actually be free for once.... i remember telling myself if things didn't work out... i might just try that...

but i dont want them to misunderstand... people would definitely jump to the wrong conclusions... and no one would ever bother to realise the sum of my reasons....


it's true what li hong said what... "you morning let people bully you... work so hard... face so black... and then at night you emo because of.... eh seriously ah... your life sucks...."

crap la... i also know... BUT WHAT TO DO...?

it's not some simple cough, fever, flu or sore throat... wave one magic wand... sleep... next morning wake up and all is well already...

HEALED...

when did i realise it...?

probably when i was young... and my maid said that it would work... err... so apparently not then... thanks for trying anyways....

and i'd be crazy to even contemplate carrying on at it alone....


sigh...

the unpredictability of it all....

okay... i may have overeacted a little... but fact of the matter remains that the answer was known... but it wasn't being told to me....

i guess only guess why.... and the only possible explanation here is that people forgot... and not didn't know.... there IS a difference....

unfortunately the pictures don't lie....

i was hoping for better... but since we all know the same fact... is there really anything that defines where we are now...?


lol.... i'm wondering if it could get any crazier.....

----------------------------------------------------------------

eh but seriously.... i'm dying to go back to singapore to see the situation now.... must be... erm... weird to say the least...

----------------------------------------------------------------

poor cheryl.... but the guy probably wasn't worth it anyways.... the guy should always have to do the "hard work".... and put in the effort.... not the other way around...

------------------------------------------------------------------

so with certain people's new year resolutions already gone....

AND WITH NEWCASTLE PLAYING LIKE SHIT!!??!!?!!

what now...?

sigh... the unpredictability of it all....

nostalgia..!!!

omg the video so retro la..... ahaha....

but heck it's the type of song i can appreciate.... bubblegum pop and everything... yea... but at least i don't get a headache listening it to through and through.... and you still feel like bobbing your head to it... (or that's just me... lol...).... instead of the crap that is churned out these days... head throbbing even before the intro has ended...

lol at justin la... but it WAS cool....

at that time....

when things were much easier....

not that things are any different....

lets just say she OBVIOUSLY knew.... hell... i'm trying hard to believe that she didn't blatantly and purposely throw a lie right back in my face... because when you told me... it just clicked in my head today that i saw something similar to that extent... just almost a year ago....

and i guess he must have known too.... come on la... no one would have got it right just by chance....

so i'm inclined to believe in weite's theory to the entire thing (wad truth = friend... lie = keeping options open)..... haha... weird stuff... but more or less believable stuff...


case in point... people like me... have to take everything said with a pinch of salt... okay... maybe a heap... if it sounds bad... it's probably worse... if it's good... it's probably bad... and if it's really good.... it's a lie....

sucks....

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so most of last nite was spent going back to the past... glad that i was finally able to get some things off my chest after so long... hopefully clearing up any lingering confusion in the process...

but really... it wasn't a trick question at all....

---------------------------------------------------------------------

when will people realise that i'm not a target board for arrows....?

sometimes I wish I could, turn back time

impossible as it may seem....
But I wish I could, so bad, baby...
Quit playing games with my heart....

haha... yea... retro already... quit playing games with my heart...

but wasn't it so much easier then...?

before youtube and stuff... this song in midi took the blogging world by storm.... (ok la, mine only actually)... i used to upload it to whatever site could store it (angelfire, yahoo)... and simple html took flight from there... and then later on... when i could convert the mp3 into a smaller few kb wav version... lol... memories...

alas... crap... youtube has blocked embeding of the vids... and i can't get any other sites to autoplay theirs yet.... :(

anyways... i still like this song of YUI alot... it is the song that got us all hooked on her wad....



thanks to cheryl, yi hang and weite for always listening to my emo-ness... lol... and having to give their inputs... but sometimes it's always nice to have someone else to talk to... ah well...

yea... 'cos if it were me... i would have just left things at that... i mean if even after all that... i could still only get this type of answer... sucks really... but there's really nothing more to say or dispute isn't it....? but i guess it's just more or less about knowing when it's time to give it a rest...

anyways... still friends aren't we...?


oh oh..! i saw my mother-in-law... and sister-in-law on tv...!! ah... lemme see... my mother-in-law's tall... smart... but a real bitch... stiring shit with the other mothers... in front of the entire nation go and embarrass my wifey leh!! she is not stupid okay...! just a bit blur... and eh... my sister-in-law... a real tomboy... you know... looking like macham a punk rockster hairstyle... but still a skirt wearing one at that... weite likes her i think... haha... i still prefer the simple long hair older one la hor.... 甜兒!! <3<3<3

LOL... i'm just crapping....


i really missed the cheerier side of you....



edit: haha... bsb's as long as you love me... feels like being 12 again...

yahoo videos + a little googling as to the autoplay solved it...

or would it be better if it just remained a dream...

i could only ask...

ask like i've always done....

don't think i'm asking for too much... am i...?

i listed my reasons....

listing it like i've always done...

they are legitimate reasons... aren't they...?

it's almost an everyday usual plea .... why is this one so difficult then...? what makes it any different...? what was created... can be taken away so easily rite...?

and each day you realise that nothing's change... it just saps your faith... and you belief away... it's just hard... the mental and emotional hurt... no one can understand....


in the past... the reason was so that i wouldn't feel so hurt... but you know... things changed... and the most important thing now... isn't me anymore.... i want to believe that it was a sign too.... and if so... more than anything... the reason becomes so much more important....

damn it... the reason isn't me anymore!

because my happiness isn't important already... if it had to be at the cost of my own feelings... then so be it... i wouldn't be surprised at anything worse now....

i only want to give my best.... and nothing less...

otherwise... i just rather it was a dream...

so please.... take it ALL away...

relief....

i think anyone would be able to appreciate and understand how ironic the situation was...

but i guess at the end of it... i felt ultimately so relieved... more than anything else.... just pure relief...


at least there wouldn't be any week in week out "in your face" kind of gloating.... and yes... no "missing and uncontactable persons" type of phonecalls....


i just wish i knew what to do....

but it's really isn't within me...

wonder why everytime i talk to cheryl... we always end up she asking me for advice....

last last time... it was something about joining choir... if i remember correctly....

the last time... going to london... i think....

and well... recently... it's about this guy.... haha... yea... imagine that...

but in many ways... i really admire her courage... being able to initiate the call to clarify things and stuff before she goes back to london.... at least she cares about her own feelings more than i do... good for her then...

seems she managed to clear up some stuff... apparently the tables have turned... and the guy is the "i need time..." / "let's take it slow..." type... oh well... and at least he isn't taking advantage of the situation... happy for her la....

and since we were on the subject... i asked her for advice too... lol...

yea well... but it's really not within me to go and mess up a person's feelings or put stress on the other... especially if it's someone i like... i would want the person to be happy... and if it's at the cost of my own feelings... then so be it....

lol... then some how it got to me being a... and i quote... "long-term sort of guy".... and being "passive aggressive".... in other words... the type only interested in things that will last... and one that likes to do or say stuff repeatedly... subconciously or conciously... and hopes that the other party would get it.... (she managed to get the whole "i have nothing to go back to..." thing...)

impressive... and i must say i totally agree....


sighs...