or maybe i'm just wanting to fail again....

talked to zhanhe... apparently i should just do it and not have to ask for permission...

i really don't know... i mean i want to... but don't think it'll be the right thing to do... just because i care more about other's feelings...



all i know is i need a reason not to fall in love with Amber 郭采潔 even more... i can't embed the vid because they blocked it... but here's the link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGTD_dv0DBI

it's in the first few minutes where she does a song... what song you ask...? omg... i wonder if she planned it...


huh...? who's 甜兒...? haha... joking joking...

there have been worse days than this...

i just wish you wouldn't cast judgement so fast when you actually have a part to play in it...


simple analogy of how to boy started to cry when no one would buy him a bottle of water... because everyone thought he was a crybaby...

point here is NOT that he could have gone and bought himself one... but that he would stop crying and would not be labeled a crybaby if someone would just GET HIM A FRIGGIN BOTTLE OF WATER... BECAUSE THATS ALL HE NEEDS....!!

because believe me... he WOULD get his own damn water if he could... the last thing he wants is to have to endure the attitudes of the people around him... it's also not that he enjoys pestering people... but that the water is essential to him...

we're not exactly talking about water here though... but still...


i'm really tired of having to say sorry when it really isn't my fault at all... just so that you would feel better... but then there's a limit somewhere isn't it...? what about me...? doesn't anyone care about what i think... what i feel...?

... everytime is just sorry sorry sorry till i don't even know what i'm sorry for...


i just wish one day you would understand....

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and so today i finally fell sick...

must have been the food + soya bean at 白店 in the morning... by 11am... i seriously felt like puking... in the end i couldn't take it anymore and i went to the medical centre to report sick for the very first time... medics there were encouraging me to puke anyhow...

wtf... who encourages their patients to puke!?!? anyways... they were more than eager to put me on drip... i didn't care... in the end i just left with some medication... but they'd just poke me for fun... i chose the pink yakult straw fyi...

and then i really really couldn't take it anymore... i went up to sleep... from 12pm-3pm...

jolted up...

"shit.. it's 3 already"... looked at my handphone... no messages... with 6 missed calls... looked at the laptop... oh well... ><... just certain things that the more you ponder and stare... the worse it becomes...

i felt much better anyhow... i quickly put on my slippers and ran down the stairs... the boss' car was gone... but i remembered i promised QM to see him though... so i quickly changed up and got back to work....

total time of pure unconciousness... 3 hours... for all the shit i've gone through... i think i'm entitled to that 3 lousy hours... and not forgeting that half of that was actually lunch allocation...

which NSF forces himself to recover from food poisoning...?


i seriously seriously need a better life than this...

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have i updated that i'll be staying till july...? i signed up for 2 more months to last me till then 'cos i'd be disrupting to go study in august...

why...? why did i do that when i've been complaining all this while about the shit that happens here...?



because cher... there's really nothing to go back to...

you don't get the picture... do you...?

i dun appreciate you interfering with what ever i say or do... if i wanted your comments i would ask for it... then again why would i...?


and i have extended that courtesy to you... so pls... do likewise...


otherwise... you're really quite a sad person to be...


'cos have i mentioned that i'm really happy i don't have to endure the reality of it being you...?


i think we're all tired of your never ending praises... it's actually starting to get boring...

stuck...

guess i'm in some kind of dilemma...

2 choices... of which both are not what i want at all... 'cos there's nothing left...

is there any chance it could be made easier...?

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i think some where along the way... we all realised that it's becoming more and more uninhabitable here.... it's not only the work... it's also because of the people... there's really no reason to stay on anymore...

then again... neither is there a reason to go back....

i remember you said to take it as a mission trip... yea well...


i just want something good to happen once for me...

in case you didn't know...

lol... i stopped ssg goh in his tracks today at dinner and started shouting in frustration in the dinning hall... the chefs had to ask me what happened later...

i think even TO was a little shocked at my outburst....



doesn't he understand that I AM NOT A MAID...? THAT I HAVE ACTUAL WORK TO DO IN CAMP!!?!?!!!!

YES WORK....!! W-O-R-K!!!


contrary to popular belief... the reason i'm still in office is because i'm BUSY... yes... WORK - BUSY... they go hand in hand... the other 2 who aren't in office... well... THEY AREN'T BUSY AT ALL.... THEY ARE TUANG-ING BACK IN BUNK... OR RESTING SOMEWHERE ELSE... i don't have time to keep entertaining you because you can't do simple things...

why give the one that has so much work to do already even more work....?

if it's a key... you can return it wad...

if it's a plate... call messing to clear it la...


damn it... i'm losing my mind here....

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it's already hard enough at work... all i want to do is to come back to bunk at the end of the day to get some peace... to get some encouragement... to at least believe there was a point in this whole shit enduring tour in taiwan...

why do you have to totally ignore me...?

it's the last thing i need right now....

i'm sorry...

give me something to look forward to...

did something which i haven't done in a long time....

ahaa... nothing serious... i just went to get movies to watch...

yea... i got tired of waiting... i got tired of getting hurt or disappointed after a long day...

i got tired of being jealous of the unfairness...


i just wish 甜兒 would come back on the 2200hrs time slot...

i just wish i could go to the 邮局 and pick up something with my name on it for once...

i just wish You would heal... i wish so much...

i just wish you would care enough to tell me it's going to be okay...

but no matter what...

i just wish for you to be okay....

discouraged...

please... i beg you... don't make it worse than it already is...

please...

then only did i realise... even though i was always the one shouting at people and making fun of them... i was always the one who would always give encouragement too...

when would i get the encouragement and praise i so need... and deserve...?

why is nothing i do ever noted...? you COULD tell others you know...

you know... they go out to get mail... and you ask if they did send anything for you on the way... it's only right that they should...

"yea.. but i send only the little little things"... but you're thankful they did you a favour any how....

little little things...? so you go check the out tray... WHAT LITTLE LITTLE THINGS..? EVERY DAMN THING IS STILL THERE...! and there you see them holding on to a card and reading it in the distance...

oh... no wonder... went out to get his damn card... he had a damn card...

it's absolute nonsense....

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nvm... you tell yourself... it's already 1710hrs... and people are waiting... so you rush through RO... and you get it signed...

then you continue looking for that lost document... finding it... you rush back to office only to find it locked... you call the friend holding the key... and he'll open it later... so you rush to dinner then... only to find that your friends are all happily eating and finishing their meals... and you... have just only caught your breath for the day...

it's absolute nonsense...

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you go back to office (of course your friend didn't come to open it... you went and got another key yourself...) pack up the documents into piles you can recognise... and get out... only to find the officers needing to use the system... well okay... no problem... duh... sigh... so you stay behind...

the time reads 1800hrs... it's been a long day and you're tired... so you use the office com while waiting for the officers... then fire up facebook...

and STARE IN DISBELIEF... you really can't understand the status messages before you... why... WHY?!?!

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1830hrs... they're finally done.... you hurriedly pack up... return the key... and run up to the bunk... you're looking for answers... more importantly... or at least some encouragement at the end of a fucked up day....

you know... i tried... but thanks alot for just slamming the door right in my face... it was really just what i needed... thanks again...

i can understand... but that's not how we treat friends...

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being scared... being disappointed... no... that's just an understatement... i'm really only 2-3 things or 1 massive thing away from just giving the hell up...

i just hope you liked the flowers...

past 2 weeks were non-stop working... dead tired la...

and it doesn't help when people become so distant... the whole irony being the further one is... the more others are going to care... it's a cycle really...

sometimes i wish people were that concerned too...

i guess it's really all in the interest of self-preservation... that we do or say things that we know would get us the least hurt... and just hope that it all goes away...

but believe me... 21 years and 9 months on... it hurts more than ever... and then you realise ... there's really no one you could talk to at all... no one who understands... no one who really cares...

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so the 25 things gave people something to talk about for a few days... ah... but now must watch what i put on facebook already...

added my boss la... lol...

><

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the day would have petty much passed without anything to mention if not for sihui starting the conversation to see how things were going...

wah lau... so nice rite... where to find friends like that anymore...? lol...

wait... sihui is single..??? HOW COULD SHE HAVE NO ONE AFTER HER...? unthinkable really... i mean with the looks and character to melt ANY guy's heart... NTU guys must be friggin blind...

oh well sihui... 3 msn flowers very good le la... haa... at least i gave you 1 lor... no one give me anything...!! so sad you know....


sigh... and now i'm just watching emo movies... :(

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didn't know what else to say or ask... or maybe 'cos I know you really don't need to hear anything like that right now...

tell me something i want to hear...

yea i know the whole "in taiwan can't do shit" thing...

and about that whole 6 months thing...

i hate to admit it... it just might be true...


talking as if they know everything... some science...

maybe they do...


but...

they don't know me..

blind me please...

sheesh... he just has to make it so the whole world knows and sees does he...?

don't even want to imagine if things were different...

no... i just did...


guess i'm just too soft-hearted... letting too many things go without a fight... maybe i need to learn to be that little bit more thick skinned... for personal and work reasons... you know...? somethings are worth it....

people talking doesn't mean you have to exactly wait for them to finish before you can say something rite... anyways... you in the end also never say a thing wad... just because people do something already... doesn't mean you cannot do the same thing... that's why... you buay hiaos...


question is... why do i have to change...? that's not me... if people don't appreciate me for who i am... what i am... sucks to be me la...

yes it affects my day... yes it irks me... it's already been like that for the past 14 months... wad else can i say...? wad else can i do...?

it's taiwan for crying out loud...

----------------------------------------------------

i wanted to ask ps tim what he thought about my concept of being punished for their mistakes... but i guess that would have definitely sent him into a frenzy...

----------------------------------------------------

i used to be able to walk outside to the piano just to sort of release my feelings and emotions on it... just play play... bang bang... tinker tinker... and i'll feel much better...

but for now... i lie down and look up... and i see the 2 pictures of YUI... and that's more than enough for comfort...

the nightmare continues on....

from one nightmare to another....

the crafting was done... now... we gotta wait... to experience the nightmare again.... if only... he created a different me.... i guarantee you we wouldn't be standing here like this right now....

sometimes... i wish i was my own best friend.... but i can only be the enemy.... i couldn't begin to tell you how much i hate myself...

><

anyways who said people at edmw weren't sentimental.... got the song playing from there... it's a really nice and sweet song... but in all honesty and humbleness... i believe i've come up with better on the fly before....

heh...

but if you have time... check this video out... same song... with lyrics sung this time... although the singing sucks.... i strongly suggest turning the sound off... but the video is quite cute.... just something for all you happy people out there...



because as always.... nmnhnblm...

back to work.... in a blur...

freakin tired today... 'cos i slept at 2.30am in the morning....

><... luckily everyone was still getting their engines started... so i didn't get scolded... YET...


took the chance to clear a niggling question or 2....

but is nothing said really better...? guess it doesn't make much of a difference anyways....


sigh... maybe if it was more encouraging... at least i won't be changing the direction of my thoughts...

thing is... i still don't know how....

but why is it so hard...?

yea... so it's kinda time when the dose of reality bites again...

and i'm left feeling so afraid and uneasy...


they all say to move on... not to put too much hope...

but i'm sorry i can't...

anyone who knows me... knows that i've never been so serious before... nothing has actually meant more to me... nothing has actually made me reflect so much on this lousy life...


i was reading... and i learnt that jacob had to work for it... but am i not doing so...? every single day is a test and challenge that i have to overcome emotionally... physically... and mentally... with no end in sight... i'm really sorry for the side track off the path... but i'm tired of doing it alone...

i wish so much that He would have written some one else into my current path... but i guess He would have already done so if He wanted... or just maybe He wants to see how far i'd go before breaking...

yea well... soon... really soon...

i don't get it... after holding my hand for the first 12 years... You let me go without even seeing if i could tread water... if i could balance myself on 2 feet... and to top it all off... a sickness that would essentially leave me on the path alone... unable to ask for help...

wow... good one...

the only possible way to explan it... is if you were asked to clean a wok with your bare hands.... without any water or detergent... yea right... 'cos no one's stupid enough to aid you in an impossible task... and well... no one else is going to use the wok unless u get it cleaned really... the dirt... grease... and grim will forever be imprinted on the surface....

so go figure....


but if anything... i'm really happy for the company so far....