it's more like knocking against a wall...

you know... God...

help me to forgive them for they know not what they talk about...
help me to forgive them for they know not what i go through...
help me to forgive them for they simply do not understand one single bit...
help me to forgive them for the simple reason that all these that they do are nothing but defensive mechanisms of the human body...

'cos i know for a fact that this is not the true me... but this is the me that has been moulded since the day i could understand... these people have no doubt been in want... whereas i have not... but the difference is that they have never ever been in want of a helping hand... or a hand that wishes the very same goal... whereas i have...

and through all those indifferences... we are who we are through our experiences...

which is of course why i get it when i don't really get along...
which is of course why i concentrate and work better when i'm alone... but from time to time... sadly and unfortunately... i still require help like any one else...

but all these people know... contrary to what they think they know... is only on the outside...

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otherwise God... how could a prayer go from....

a pure and raw child-like interest... which was never really fulfilled to what i thought it would be...

to a prayer of sweet puppy-likeness... fairly fulfilled...

to a prayer of shock... dismay... and utter disregard in school... unfulfilled

to a prayer of minute hope that could have arisen... unfulfilled

to a prayer of feeling so lost... unfulfilled

to a prayer of numbness and where i convinced myself that maybe nothing at that time was worth even one ounce of help or care and concern... unfulfilled...

to a prayer of being just very very and utterly simply good enough... just good enough... but no... unfulfilled...

to a prayer of possible surprises... and also very cautiously allowing some minute belief that there could be hope once again... unfulfilled

to a prayer of a point of encouragement and reason why your best might just be worth it... unfulfilled...

to a prayer of... unfairness....

and of course the one little prayer since day 1.... of healing and restoration...


unfulfilled...


and i didn't even get an answer at all...


while i've never had much 2nd doubts... how then am i expected to actually really believe with all my heart... mind... soul and strength...?

it's an impossible task...





no this isn't purely envy... 'cos it's what i've wanted... desired... since i could remember my very first prayer... since my very first words that i could remember saying of "police"... "catch"... "red"... "man"...




no... but the envy just make it all the more worse....