i usually don't blog like this...

i was actually quite against watching star trek... it would have just spoilt the day...

but wth... just enjoy the show for what it was...


anyways... it was much better than expected... i did forget about everything until the credits started rolling...


lol... wasn't it me who insisted on watching star trek the previous week anyways...?



it's better this way too i guess...






and argh... newcastle... since i was a kid...

can i stop subscribing to lies..?

because it's always say one thing and do another...


hmm sorry... i'd admit i was totally wrong about you...

apparently i'm not too good a judge of character...


anyways... it COULD have been worse...



so tell me then... what's changed..?



oh well... it's the weekend... and as usual everyone else is in KHH... and i've just finished duty... so it's off to bed... and i'll try to sleep it off for the rest of the day...

still wondering...

i don't know... but suddenly this makes everything quite meaningless...

the weekdays of slogging... to hell with it...

and while people rest in khh over the weekend... you don't have the approval done... too busy... and it's true...


apparently people who work less get rewarded wih the rank... cards... gifts... and yes... even the DVT at night... and deservedly so...

no logic totally...



i realised that everything done is seriously useless... and it doesn't make a difference... people will still treat you the same way no matter what... because at the very basic level... they don't appreciate it that much...

no matter what...




i don't know what sucks more... staying here... facing that work everyday with zero rewards... or going back...

no reason to look forward to either....


and where have all the good friends gone...? you know... the ones who would care enough to warn you before you get hurt without you asking them... and definitely not answer a "dunno" or "huh" even if you ask them... apparently you guys just like to think... "aiya... we'll just let the road signs warn him... not our business anyways..." 'cos yea... the road is supposed to have signs anyways... but please... if you know the fucking road is ending say something...!


wasting my breath here...



bah... it's just me my fault and i... so i'll tell you i'm sorry... case closed... as simple as that...

too bad it wasn't next week already... or it would have made one hell of a birthday present...



no... i would to go back to august 1986 and give them one big tight slap each and ask them to wake up their ideas...


now that was i wanted to tell you anyways...

i just wish you'd tell me earlier....

yea well of course it's disappointing... but i just wanted to know the truth from you... 'cos it always seemed to be so difficult...

anyways it was always so disappointing each time already... something always seems to crop up....

but i really had to as i would never ever make you do anything you didn't want to...

kinda feeling a little stupid now... for all those previous times...

i'm so sorry for everything then...

too sweet too soon....?

i just wanted to tell you this....

okay... the entire trip wasn't that horrible... but it was more or less spoilt by the horrendous trip up and the fucked up trip down that stupid mountain... let's just say the last time i had motion sickness... puking my guts out... was in the van in cambodia going to the villages...

and somehow during my unconciousness before the puke... the vehicle contrived to breakdown just 15mins into the 1.5 hr trip down the mountain... apparently the oil tank had been scratched open as we were moving past the bumps in the road.... so after that... we had to wait another 2.5 hours for the tow truck... before bumping down the remaining 1.25hrs of the mountain... maybe even longer since it was a tow truck....

the view up there was nice... but... definitely not worth the trip... and don't get me started on the nature walk...


and then after that it doesn't really matter because i wasn't feeling very well already... and it may also have been due to caffeine overdose... 2 x espresso in the night and then another 2 in the morning for 2 days straight isn't exactly the way to go...


as it is now... my head's still spinning...

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some one said i was being too sweet when i talked about getting the jacket... too sweet too soon...

you know... for my sake... i wanted to prove that some one and myself wrong...


but i can't...

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and so thank you God for this wonderful life...

give me my entitlements.... like everyone else...

i think i am entitled to put the whole entire blame squarely on her... do you know the possibilities that could have happened...?

hmmm okay... maybe none of you do... but i know the truth... and i'm telling you... it would have been so damn different...

well... for starters... i would NOT have to wonder all day if i'm doing the right or sane thing continuing with this belief that this would come true...

do you know it is such mistakes in life that end up hurting another life permanently...? i hope that none of you have to go through it... but then again... go through it before judging me....



my friend said that he would just go and kill 'em all... and end it with suicide... because his whole world would have come crashing down... yea it's unstable thoughts he admits...



me...? i'd just still be wondering where i went wrong... but somewhere along the way it has to stop being my fault... because that's what it's always been... my fault...



how now to be long-term... when i can't even start a term...? i know what i should expect... and this isn't it... it most definitely isn't...

things that suck...

a) dinner... movies... company...

now who would have the heart to go and tell this kid that the dreams... it's all gone... it will never come true...?

listen here... i'll only go on with this shit for as long as i need to... because of the people i respect... and those i have a responsibility for... after that... i'm out... though i still can't decide how...

b) okay... who can tell me what's wrong with those people born in '89 and after...? it's like a whole generation gap... i mean these people are practically living in their own world... no one ever knows what it means to be serious....

c) i think someone has to update me on the definition of friends these days... because i really don't think i recognise anyone anymore... come on guys... at least let me know...

wtf.. you all just get off on people getting slammed into the wall with egg on their faces... seriously... enough with the ignoring and hoping it will all go away thing... okay... so apparently ignoring is the new 'no'... who would have thought that... for goodness... we ain't in primary school anymore....

anyways... i don't mean to be mean here... but i really hope it happens to all you idiots out there who won't help... go find the light switch in a strage house in the dark... you'll see what i mean...

d) disruption...

e) newcastle...

f) swine flu...