not a good night....

it was mainly just all about learning to trust....

to learn that during the last few years in poly that there was actually more to things than me, myself and I...

it was about posibilities...

a way to share experiences...
some hope for an outlet...

a reason to believe that i could do things better...
give my best... yet still feel that it wasn't enough...


maybe even little sacrifices somewhere in between....


in a way... i was happy to do it all....


believe me... i definitely prayed... thanked Him when it seemed well... and of course questioned when it went wrong... dun blame me for that...

but... through it all.... i wondered if things could be different... i still felt alone...

and i hated to wake up to rinse and repeat.... absolutely despised it...

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this is no way to treat me.... i just wanted to reiterate that....

i am not the nicest person in the world.... but i have done nothing wrong... especially things like this...

actually i even surprised myself at the lengths i went to.....

still i forgive... i try to understand... but i won't forget....

misplaced innocence....


so goodnight... -.-
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and now they realise that i was being nice when i brought the laptop to them....

not even going to try anymore....

just came back and i turned on the laptop to see if my lecturer replied on the meetup...


nada...


went to see UP in 3D and was fairly disappointed... first of all the actual 3D-ness of it all was like only 2%.... and all the "so touching-ness" and tear-jerking-ness... didn't really present itself to me... the only part i thought was not too bad was when (spoiler... anyways it's at the end la) the old man represented the father to pin the badge on the scout.... only the mother turned up... so this begs the questions...

now this boys and girls... is where my lit teacher would have stopped the friggin show and asked... DOES THE BOY'S FATHER REALLY EXIST? I MEAN DOES HE KNOW ABOUT THE EVENT? IS HE IN THE COUNTRY? IS HE EVEN ALIVE??? AND WHAT ABOUT THE CONCEPT OF LYING... DID THE BOY LIE ABOUT HIS FATHER...? OR DID THE FATHER LIE TO THE BOY ABOUT BEING AT THE CEREMONY...? WHAT IS THE DIRECTOR TRYING TO PORTRAY HERE...? DISCUSS!!!!


but.... that's just me....



anyways... on my way home... my thoughts ran for a brief 30 secs... ranging from wad my tutor would reply... how i was going to answer him... i also played out something else in my head... and then... i caught a hold of myself....

what the hell am i doing...?

if it's anything i've learnt.... is not to play out events in my head....

for goodness sake... please remember that.... for :

a) it always doesn't come true...
b) refer to a)....
c) i don't see the point at all in envisioning something if... refer to b)


so i'm really really tired of trying... really really tired... -.-... if i take time and effort to do something... i would really like it to work out the way i planned it...

do i or don't i go back to policies that fit me 2 years ago.... will it even fit me now...?

so maybe it comes down to the whatever is in His will... will be done... and maybe i won't even have to complain or lift a finger at all.... and everything falls pleasantly into place....

or maybe... i don't know... but winston's threat is still hanging over me like this fever that comes and goes...

i'm scared....

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oh and one more thing.... i realised your words can't be trusted anymore....

friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend... friend... not friend...

it just goes on and on forever doesn't it...

trying to be encouraging...

i... don't know why i continue...


or maybe as i learnt today... it's against my principles... to stop...






God, i just don't wanna end up like winston....

digging up the past to the present...

"are you okay...?"

sheesh... i find myself saying that almost at least once every other day to someone....


i can't remember the last time i heard it though....

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then some things just don't disipate... i just realised it's already been around 12 years since the day of that so-called "project".... but it really goes to show that no matter how close you were to someone... you'll get used to his/her non-existance in less than a year... and after that... you'd wish they never reappear to mess things up again....

it's the same story year in year out these days...


and it's going to be one of the things i'm still in the midst of forgiving and forgetting... so maybe it'll be on my proverbial list of "things to do if i have 24 hours left to live."...

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so it's still only one chance that i ask for... to be good enough... 'cos i have absolute faith in myself that i won't let anyone down...

omg... school starts tmr... and i'm in no condition to do so...

i may have just realised the extent of the unfairness from the start....

how all my efforts from the get-go were being undermined by things BEYOND MY CONTROL...

look... i'm not saying if it hadn't happen things would have been smoother or different... it's more or less that things would have concluded the same... i know my limits... i know what i'm capable of... it just hurt no one to try my best... only myself perhaps...

but just that it definitely played a MASSIVE part in deciding how things would have worked out....


that much i'm so damn sure...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! i hate this feeling....

this last 1 year in taiwan sucks...

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i think i'm currently all whacked out with school starting and everything... i can't even think straight....

i seriously don't think i'm being pressured into anything... but if it's anything i hate the most... it's people who try to act as though they know everything just because they are going thru it....

bugger off...

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once i've had enough of disappointments (soon.. i guess).... i'm going to turn my back and run as far as possible... it's only human nature to want to do so....

i really wish it didn't have to be this way...

i'm sorry i couldn't have things work out the way i hoped... from learning to let go and to forgive and to forget... to finding that something special... and worth the efforts... until now that we're back at square one...

it was about being so comfortable... a first actually...

it was about the talents...

and it was about being scared and upset...

i guess the last 2 years or so have been a really eventful time... the somewhat highs and extreme lows experienced... well they have been more meaningful than my previous secondary thru poly years...

i think zhanhe made the most telling comment when he asked if there was any pictures that i had... and of course there wasn't... so that says everything...

so there's no chance... and it's all over... thus it's up to time to heal...



and so i leave you with some raw and sweet talents...

小豬 - 愛一直閃亮


although i'm very biased.... and i definitely think 薇安did better....~!

as if it wasn't enough...

"THERE'S NOTHING THE FUCK GOING ON...!" i shouted back when i finally couldn't take it anymore...



it made how i was feeling even worse didn't it...?



because just for this very once i wished the nagging and the accusations were true...

can only say i tried my utmost... but it played out this way...

continued from the previous post...

and so my boss continued on...

boss: you were definitely more than we hoped for... i can safely say you performed beyond our expectations...

me: thanks sir...

boss: however... if there's one thing i realised that you have to change... it would be your social skills... you don't really mix around that much... it's always the same usual group of friends... and i feel that you may like to improve on that... i also observed that you can't really take pressure... that you get easily agitated... but also having said that... i understand that this was definitely not an easy job to handle because of your upperstudy... and it was a steep learning curve for you...

me: yes sir... agreed to some extent...

of course i'm not going to waste my breath explaining myself to him... a totally useless thing to do... but anyways... so i can just get it off my chest...

1) i just wonder if he was comparing me to yihang... well... duh... sir if you would like to count the number of hours he was ever in office.... the number of morning offs taken... i too would have excellent social skills... i just hope you all realise sooner or later how much work i have done being the only clerk who is ever present in the orderly room...

2) yes... in some sense i can't take being stressed... but that's only because while i'm busy thinking or working with all the documents... people come in with all sorts of requests...

- for help with using the photocopier...
- duty amendment forms...
- to check their leave records...
- to scan their thumbdrives...
- to check and solve the OA problems...
- to fax documents...
- to get nominal roll...
- to apply home leave...
- to change remittance... (well after the closing date)
- to do claims...
- i also answer every call that comes in and attempt to call the person needed to call back to the caller....

and above all that... during duty weeks i get ready the despatch and go to the post office and then rush back in time to get the RO done and signed...

so i would actually tell his theory of me not being able to handle stress to go to hell for all i care... i can well take the pressure better than any one else...

truth is... all i needed was to hear some words of encouragement so that i would know that my time here was worth it no matter the shit that was place before me... from the people that meant the most to me... but it didn't work out... so maybe you can see how that might have affected my moods and feelings sir... case in point... yihang was on the DVT almost every night for a few hours... i just hoped for a few mins a week...

but sir... if anything... i just want to say i tried my best in everything that i did there... and nothing less...

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i guess i went through some of my lowest points during the last 1 year... when all i could do was just watch on and hope for the best... or when there was totally no communication at all... then it sort of became better for awhile... then there were the empty promises and silly excuses... and then when was i got injured in june... lying in hospital alone... or moving around camp all bandaged up... and i hoped so much that some how i would be able to hear those words "it's okay..."... these were definitely the low points where i got really discouraged and i wondered if it was all worth it throughout...

it's over i guess... but these are deeply etched memories that will stay forever...