these words stand for something...

it should have my dream when my left hand extended...

or at the most when there were alternating currents...

but only because there was something i couldn't save...

because now... the innocence and everything's lost...

newcastle... oh newcastle....

nice article written....

http://www.stuffbypaulbrown.com/newcastle-united-the-pie-chart-of-blame/


it's bloody time to wake up...

at the edge of my seat... no... not really...

i need a backup plan... or some soothing answers...

either of which... fast...


before i go over the edge... literally....


i don't know who or what gave Him the idea that i was ready for such a life... because i don't think anyone can be...

well... if it's something i did wrong... then i really wanna apologise... please let me know where i went wrong... so i won't do it again... but then again... how could i have possibly done it then...?

unless you're talking about the product... which was wrong by itself... for which i have utterly no control of... then i am speechless...

can i be allowed to apologise for their mistakes then...?




i'm sorry already... so stop punishing me... please...

i wish i had a penny for my thoughts...

i just wanna say that i've kept the chatter that i thought were important... i thought it would be something nice to look back on... to remind myself what i was doing... or basically i just wanted the power of hindsight... to see if i could find out where it all went wrong... again...

i really don't wanna go back to square one...

unfortunately it feels so much like everything before was dreamt... and now it's time to start again...

Ecclesiastes... isn't it...?



the last 3 tries were made up of responses of feigned ignorance... i guess it is a win-win situation this way... because as long as there's that inkling of hope... there's always something to gain... so who the hell in the right mind would go and deny that..? would you say no to something free...?


oh yea... you're one of them...


i'll admit i'm the first to stretch out when something free is put before me... but i would at least make sure that i deserved the freebie in the first place... that's the main difference....

do you know what does that mean...?

i'm asking if you deserve it...
i'm asking if you even know what it means to deserve it...
i'm asking if you really think that these freebies are given to other people too... or are you the only one getting it...
i'm asking you to be fair...
i'm asking you to stop playing dumb and ignorant and hope that everything will just go away and dissolve by itself...


this isn't the innocence i grew up to know...


if anyone of you knows someone else who really knows what it means to deserve something... let me know...

i want all that i deserve....

i believe with all my heart that i've worked harder... much much harder... i've tried my best... and given everything possible right now...

so don't you dare tell me i don't deserve anything...


don't any of you dare....



why is it he uses the DVT so freely every night... or even on the weekends... isn't anyone else busy...? isn't the other party...?

i can't understand how apparently they can find the time...

i can't understand it...!!!!

i can't understand for the world of me anymore why time should factor in anymore...

i can't understand why i keep trying so hard for something not even there...


unless you're telling me my whole idea of deservedness has been so warped all this while...

isn't it as simple as you deserve as much as you work for...? who's going to deny me that....? i dare i've worked hard enough to be able to at least expect something...

something called fairness...


i think what ssg beng said is very true... for what you try to hard to be the best...? you give your all for what...? you work so hard got use meh...? unless it really means something to people... they aren't going to give a damn... yea they know what you did... but give them 5 mins... and it's out of their memories... 5-10 years down the road... no one's even going to remember that you were there...

so what if you do the parade state well... so what if you send the daily report to the ops room without being asked... so what if you actually bother to stay in office so that any one who comes in will have their questions answered... so what if you make it a point to deliver the RO... so what if you make it a point to remember what you owe people... and make it a point to going back to them to give them the answer...


so what if you actually cared...?

SO WHAT...?



don't get me wrong... i'm not wishing for earthly glorifications... that would be the last thing i want... yes... a little appreciation would be nice... but what i want is a little understanding and what i think i deserve...

just a little fairness... as to what i work for... my dreams... my goals... my desires...

i only want a little fairness in my life...


to be honest... i'm really jealous of him right now....

notice... notice... no notice at all....

i wonder if i'm even doing anything that's worth anything right now... you can't deny the effort can you...?


or maybe even if i'm breathing the same air... much less if it matters...



i just want to know if there's a point in carrying on at all... or all i have to look forward to is only in my dreams....


discouraged would be an understatement...

my head aches....

i finally couldn't take it anymore today... my head was throbbing like mad... usually i would have just tolerated and worked it off... but this time was different... and fortunately the boss was really nice to ask me to go rest... and we still could joke about it...

reported sick and they said my blood pressure was a little high... sigh...

i guess it was due to the lack of everything... sleep... rest... help... people that give a rats ass about stuff in camp... people who understand... or even bother to...

and well in particular... you...


been waking up at 5 plus before turning the laptop off and going back to sleep for the past week... i wonder why....


at least i solved my NOD32 problem... and i have the latest version and virus updates now...

so here i am... just taken 2 x panadols after the cook out... i hope to feel better tomorrow...

disheartening dreams...

i must have been thinking way too much... which is why i ended up dreaming about it...

it was the usual fast and furious stuff... i don't know why my dreams can't usually be more pleasant...but it worked out in the end... and i got to hold on really tightly... which was good... ^^... a little cliche but i wished time would just stop... still i remembered i had to wake up.... and the time was 0710 already... argh! i wanted so much to have the time to carry on the dream...!

and then in the afternoon... it was part 2 where i questioned why people around never did anything to help... and apparently i was talking to people on msn and they were more or less being supportive and encouraging... hmm... finally...


but shyte... i dreamt about it... so doesn't that mean that it'll NEVER come true...? because my dreams and reality always do not agree with each other...

and so the pain intensifies ever so much more.... until i see the pointlessness of it all...

not a bad t-shirt after all...

you know... i finally picked up enough courage to wear it... because i didn't want to give myself anything to believe in yet previously...

i tried to communicate at every given opportunity... i tried my best....


'cos the things i expected to happen didn't... things that are automatic aren't... and not even 30 mins...


but it doesn't matter anymore... guess it's just like like any another one now...


i think i did everything right and within reason... bearing in mind i was on my own... the only one... so even i was amazed at the lengths i would go to...

i wonder now if there was anything i could or should have done better... or was it also all in vain...

maybe i shouldn't have mentioned my weakness... to what i could hold on to...

always like that... or at least...

talents + innocence = 2 amazing and wonderful things...

and i'll get caught... to me at least...

but why...? what happened to the innocence...? i really liked it then...

and yea... what was all that for..? because they don't deserve it if yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever more is going to remain status quo...

somethings i really can't do alone... would be great you know if people could chip in a little here and there... mention my name a little... let me know how everything is playing out... otherwise i'm always just groping in the dark like a blur cock... or at least i might not be so surprised if and when the news actually comes eh...?

then again it's not really me to actually go out and source for help... sigh...

so every now and then i stop and wonder... but i think i can trust you not to make my nightmare come true whatever the case...

sometimes i really hate being here... sometimes getting fucked for reasons beyond my control... for which i'm totally not at fault... but it's okay... someone HAS to get fucked... so be it then... at least it gives me an excuse to console myself... because i'm not there or whatever... although i know it will still the same even if i'm back or not... but yea... there's still the excuse being in taiwan for now... it's just going to be so much more painful when i'm back...

-------------------------------------------------------------

and just when i was begining to appreciate Younha a little more (currently in love with Touch right now... to think i use to hate it...)

YUI decides to do this...


<3 <3 <3

and then YUI writes a song for stereopony.... lyrics by aimi of course... the lead guitarist and vocals... also <3 <3 <3



and then By2 new (single/album?) coming out also... and YUI's is on June 22nd... Shearer taking over for the last 8 games... supported by ian dowie (why him?)

not bad not bad...