never a good day... never a good dream

you could almost hear the 2 gunshots hitting me... it has to hurt... and it does bad...

'cos my every reason was sucked away... it was all or nothing...

well... we all knew it was this way... but yet one can never know exactly what to do when it actually happens...

always the substitute isn't it...?

just being busy just doesn't really make a good excuse anymore...

your answer or lack thereof to my question said everything...

i tried desperately to wake up from it... TRIED being the operative word...

maybe the view from the window isn't too bad after all...

笨的可以

聽你開心說著你的事情　　我有一種莫名心跳反應

夜深人靜時候突然想到你　沒有原因　沒有邏輯　誰能說明


Pre Chorus:
總以為　我們是　地球的南北兩極

直到分開旅行　我才明白　有好多的話想說給你聽


Chorus:
是我笨的可以　我們早就相遇

我說服我自己　這一切只是友情

是你讓我相信　兩顆心沒有距離

我才發現　原來我愛著你



總是愛捉弄我尋我開心　　從來沒有想過會喜歡你

也許愛情就是沒什麼道理　緣分來臨　措手不及　誰看得清


(Pre chorus and chorus)


End:
是我笨的可以　沒看穿你的心

還以為這只是　愛情無聊的惡作劇

是我笨的可以　我終於面對自己勇敢證明

我是真的愛你　我是真的愛你

late nights...

talked about memories a little more... inane chatter... and intial lunch plans were attempted... but scuppered due to exams...

yea i know...

some what sad... but it's scheduled in May instead... how far true... but thanks for the effort anyways...

a little hard to sleep after that...

now and then....

really happy with the way the youtube embed turned out on the "now playing" portion... no need imeem anymore... more so because it's a nice song... definitely so because amber looks really nice in the vid... the hair... eyes... smile... good la...

the my cup of teh-oh-peng look... lol...

people usually don't talk to me unless they need something... and so it was that way... finally after close to what 4 years of no contact... the chat box opened up...

"can help do survey..?"

at least there was an attempt to make small talk... there was an apology for not keeping in contact...

thanks si hui...

the last time alicia tried to get me to do the same thing... i laughed at the attempt... there was not even a "how are you...?" ... was hugely tempted not to even reply...

but i still did it... the memories got the better of me...

--------------------------------------------------------

every now and then... you get people reminding you that you will never get the basic things in life....

hate it... the harsh reality check... and it really really hurts.... all you can do is cry... and then pray it'll be over soon... rinse and repeat...

help me keep whatever faith is left to believe....

but it's true... because it's the one flaw in my pathetic life that i had no control over...

---------------------------------------------------------

sometimes i still wonder what goes through your head... because of the things you like...

and its source....

randomness on a saturday...

knowingly or unknowingly... i don't know how you do it...

but you take it all away...

all the burdens... tiredness... stress... and pains... i suddenly forget about who i am...

and everything seems so peaceful...

i hope it lasts....

------------------------

what was said is true... we don't need them coming back to tell us how we've failed...

we already know...

that's why i hate to talk...

-----------------------

honestly... has any one stopped to think... much less ask... what i feel...?

the last person to do so... was back in primary school...

but seriously... i still don't really know the answer...

-----------------------

i stayed back till 7 plus without being asked... helped them make sense of the incomprehensible...

taught them what meant what...

but they never treated me as a friend... only as a source of information where someone else would ask me... and they would get it from him...

-----------------------

and for those brief moments i left them all behind...

where are you...?

make them all go away....

why we do the things we do.....

i had planned to write something here... but after much deliberation... i decided to take it out... it would have caused some stepping of toes... and i haven't come to that point where i need to do so yet...

anyways... a wake up call was deperately needed... so good for you....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the reason why i wake up each morning...

the reason why i do the parade state each morning... go to the post office... and do RO even though it's not my duty week... albeit sulking all the way...

the reason why i work so hard... chasing AORs... cheques... wanting everything to be in order...

the reason why i enjoy seeing their smiles when we joke...

the reason why i get stressed over claims and remittance....

the reason i let myself get "bullied" so simply by others without any retort....

the reason i tolerate his nonsense....

the reason why i can't wait for each day to end... so i can get to my laptop

the reason why i look forward to the whole damn cycle each day again....

the reason why i'm in freakin taiwan in the first place...

and the reason why i do all the things i do....


sometimes when you find something that is important to you... worthwhile fighting for to hold to... and something that never fails to give you the encouragement you need to carry on when you are down... it drives you on... and gives you all the reason you need...

i know what's mine... and i'm going to protect it... 'cos i don't wanna lose my last remaining reason...

sucks to work on weekends....

move over YUI (sorry dear...!) move over By2.... btw... if you haven't realised... here's an update... amber guo cai jie is the newest craze in camp...

actually i think the song could have done with a drum solo on the chorus... sorry but i'm still old school...

lol...

and so just the other day... i opened the chat window... and made a simple comment... granted i don't talk very much to the recipient in question... but what i said was being immediately assumed as asking about well... lets just say some one in common...

problem is... we have never ever discussed anything before... nothing more than 4 words... and much less this... i hadn't hinted anything in any way prior to the comment/statement... thus the immediate assumtion just got to me... and it even got turned around into a question...

it just got me wondering how so....

maybe the questions get posed so often by others... that it was almost a given that mine would be the same...?


i guess you realise sooner or later that it's not about showing how good or what you are... what you can do... what you can offer... 'cos in some way you're still casting the attention on yourself...

but rather to focus on what the object means to you... and that's what you should be really trying to show...

everything comes naturally after that... and it's all the more sincere...


but i'm probably just living in this bubble that i created myself... and it's just waiting to burst... and i really haven't thought of what to do when that happens....

it's the whole realising it's everything... yet knowing it's going to be nothing thing...

these things do happen after all....

had to go do air ops to pick up more training troops again... was supposed to wake up at 3am... ended up jolting myself awake at 3.15...

no time to wake myself up with a proper bathe... heck it...

good thing the tie was still in the bag... grabbed it... and lumbered out the door... got up the minibus... sent out the sms... still wondering whether it would reach... i fell alseep.... nothing much then on the journey... 'cept for a huge bump... when i shouted "wtf..." which later they made fun of...

the day was just begining....

so i stood at my usual place... occasionally mutterng "customs, exit... turn left..."

i had already seen dinosaur... geraj... and melvin walk past me yesterday...

just then... some one walked back... and caused a minor jam... and then i saw him... that lucky sob... he who got what i so wished for myself... well that was then....

anyways... it's not so much his fault... but it brought back the memories to which i draw parallels from as to what is happening now... to hell with deja vu...

thanks to the major exams... it was over for them... and so i sensed blood... met up a few times then on the pretext of passing "the sims" games over... i refused to raise any hope or emotions... neither did i attempt to stir anything more in the friendship... till one fine day i woke up to the nightmare...

lol... it was my fault after all... although deep down i wanted more to happen... i was still content with the status quo... yea... so there was the certainty of disappointment... but then again... this feels worse... any blind bat would know it was a fucked up choice that was made... ('cept their "friends"...) i remembered even chong wei at that time was laughing when i whined about it... he too couldn't believe it....

game over la....

but i still don't know whether it's more of the certainty of disappointment... or being content to remain just status quo that holds me back...

somethings just matter too much to you then you'd care to admit... maybe thats the reason why i hold back...

maybe it's the lack of sleep and the new idiotic guy in the office... me = finance clerk... nothing more... nothing less... so get off my back everytime you see me...

maybe these things just do happen after all... no matter what i do....

i remember... being more than friends...

keeping them all since the first day... till today... i count 57 of them....

sometimes i re-read them... hoping to find some hidden message in between....

sometimes i re-read them... and then i fall asleep....

it's what i wake up to each day... it's what keeps me going...

Do you know that i'm okay?
Are there things you wanna say?
Thinking of you night and day
Hoping you'll come back and stay
I remember when you told me i'll be alright.
Dont worry...

I try and try to understand
Is all this just a sad goodbye?
Thinking of you night and day
No matter if you come and stay
I remember when you told me i'll be alright
Just hold me...

I don't wanna close my eyes tonight
Missing you would make me cry.
Your love will give me strength to carry on.
You'll always be my heart and mind.
So I don't wanna close my eyes tonight
Now you're just a mis-match in time.
Why oh why..?

Dont wanna close my eyes.. tonight...