if i keep trying... and trying... and still am trying... what does that say...?

don't know why people think that i give up or just don't care....

but i put more pressure on myself than most know...

it's just that i need to rant at times...


it's really not been easy...


anyways... you may be right if you say i'm feeling the pressure....

but it's something i've always looked for and known even before all these people around me started thinking.....

i just really really... don't know any more.....


classes on tues and fridays are really a chore... and those are just but the reminders...

how i humour myself...

okay... so whoever is in the know... is in the know already.... i didn't say anything till the topic came up... and because of YUI... it apparently it did... so i felt it was maybe time to let him know...

and it ended with...

me: "hmm... yea maybe... but i'm not really jason..."

him: "ha.... yes you're not"


lol... just wonderful stuff...

another sunday...

lol... i was just talking about being envious... and today's lesson at pkc was about envy... ahaha...


althought i do think i'm still light years away from the envy leads to murder part.... heck i've accepted that it's not gonna be about me... and well yea it shouldn't... but still... i do need something in my life...

making lemonade out of lemons...? i want something else to drink for a change... you know it's like you're stuck at some job class wanting to level up... but you just can't... unfortunately the quest to level up takes at least a year to complete... and it is a random event... so you try... at the end of the year you fail... and you slowly wait for the next opportunity to try again... rinse and repeat...

go figure...

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i thought praise and worship was pretty good today.... it's always nice to have a bunch of kids around singing loudly... and just totally enjoy themselves praising God... if anything the music seems to sound better... and i personally feel happier to play....

i just wish they'd cut the... "eh... i play the cd... you play like that... okay?"... i mean it's really lame... so why don't you try singing like the cd for a change...? instead of people having to lead you into the song... come in for you.... sheesh.... i really think while at least the musicians have been improving... the song leaders have not improved at all... yes... every single one of you...

worse.... ask me to play the intro the other person who played this song before me played.... >< that's a little... aiyah... i think it's better to leave it to what keys my fingers decide to press that that point of time...

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and it's because you see christians like that... who complain about things and make comparisons like that... and you wonder what being a christian really is like...

i get reminded about what i'm missing.... -.-

"i don't really do this... i don't really do that...

(no actually i do... actually the truth is i just don't really give a damn...)"


gawd... and after i tried so hard to believe it.....


i don't understand why it is so easy for some people.... i'm envious alright... but that's just the way things work is it?... it's really something that you don't have to try so hard after all... because if you do... then something is severely wrong...

picked up my favourite book to read again.... and i realised he totally echoed my thoughts then... i wasn't alone in the reasons why we work so hard...

only realise it was all for nothing....

i still don't understand why it is so easy for some people.... i mean you talk talk talk talk... attempt to please... work hard... but some one else just comes in... does the same, less or nothing... well... and then it's all useless....

the lies... the time of silence and ignoring...

argh...

i did all i could already....

but you know... school's been really shitty... fucked up... the workload is crazy... so much so i actually prayed all the way to school for some peace of mind....

the worst part...? i get reminded every monday and thursday about what i'm missing....

the means don't justify the end...

it's not that i'm feeling the pressure....

but it makes it worse when you see those pictures before you...

it's the way i grew up..... i've always lead my life on those very principles.... it was always about personalisation and not generalisation

in recent times i thought i was wrong....

but may have unknowingly been right all along....

because when the means don't justify the end....

it's time to stop... and revert to what doesn't disappoint...

school stress and desperation....

i was sitting there trying to rush out correcting the physics data tables...

and then my mind wondered off yet again... you know... how nice it would be... what they would have asked... and what i would have answered... the individual parties playing their roles...

gawd... i would make a so much better script writer than those hacks at mediacorp doing the crossovers with malaysian tv....

circumstance however... is not as forgiving... and i continue to put myself out there to get hurt again and again...

and again...




randomly flipping the "purpose driven life"... brought me to a page that had been in my thoughts since day 1...

i could only lol at it...


exact words which i had been telling myself... prior examples to follow....

sorry... i'm just desperate for something good to happen... or for these "trials" to end...

hmm... desperate is an understatement