just tell me IT is worth it...

i already know you're worth it...

you know.... sometimes i just can't help wondering what's happening on the other side...

even then... she said not to worry... but there's always that lingering thought...


actually... all i wanted to hear was some appreciation... oh well... i guess maybe you have your own definition of appreciation... your own way of showing it....

but all i wanted to know... was that it made a difference... even a little one... because that was the whole point wasn't it...? come to think of it... you probably didn't even want to go there in the first place... or be reminded of it... i apologise then... i was only trying to help in the way that i knew how...

sounds lame la... sorry...


crap... i didn't even know i was on duty today lor... haven't even recover from friday's duty... today kena another one... ok la... my fault actually for not looking properly... but still... 4 duties in a month leh!!!!...

wanted to go heng chun cut hair... borrow dvds...

like that how to call people later...? oh well... as long as they don't leave me in the ops room alone...

another sleepless night...


just tell me IT is worth it...

there are rules to everything... even a friendship....

you know... i used to think i could sorta read people very well... by simply watching their body actions... you could tell what they were thinking... especially from how people behaved when they were with another person... you could nail it down as to what they felt about the other party...

see where i'm going here...?


i doubt it...


all the last week or so has taught me... is that whatever conclusions i came to before... had to be thrown out the window... i kid you not...

oh come on... from the way he behaved around her... the way he smiled... the way he was oh so interested and willing... and from the way she reacted... and the way she even asked him to teach her in the very first place...

it's simple putting 2 and 2 together really... and have i mentioned that they are the first actual people that i COULD agree seeing together... i even have the screenshots to show the msn nicks which they shared together....

then well... facebook comes along and throws the curved ball at you... i wonder if he knew... but then again he must have... "wtf!?!" doesn't even begin to explain what i felt at that point in time...

i seriously pity her choice... and my best friend...



so apparently those dinnerS after work... stressing on the "s" here... and whatever outings... didn't mean a thing...

especially when that retard had asked almost everybody short of the national guard (which includes me la!) ... on the list of "who knows you"... to contact you that day... freakin pissed me off btw... because no... you don't ask jing kai to contact hui ee for you... you don't ask ming en to contact alicia for you... you don't ask wee jin to contact karen for you... and you damn sure don't ask any other guy in class to contact cheryl for you... freak you mindless twit... you just don't... have some damn respect...


sorry... i just needed to rant about that one more time... ANYWAYS....

now it's like that... and ghosts or not... no one's here to tell you what to do... you should already know by now... but i'll support you yes... i just want the best for you... or at the very least for you to be happy... and if it takes time and effort then so be it... whatever the outcome...

just because it's what you mean to me...

it's a good day to die...

no... i haven't gone off the deep end... sorry about that... you guys will have to wait a little longer before i really go crazy...

anyways... changed the song playing and i'm gonna finally replace archer's words with an excerpt of this song... it's kinda cool in a freaky sense...

okay... so the sucky starship troopers 3 movie had a part to play... being so sucky... the song stood out even more of course.... it's the best part of the whole show...

what better words in a song to sing when going into battle eh...? sky marshall omar anoke!!!

ok la... enjoy....

comments...?

chatting with a treasured friend....

the night went by and i was reminding si hui of the past... wah lau.. can't believe she forget everything that happened in secondary school...

no matter how sucky it was for me then... at least a little of it was worth to remember la....

'cept a little bit of her darius of course... haha... even the time when vivienne chua scolded her for not studying for the vocab test... and attributed it to her spending time with darius... bitch of a teacher i tell you...

and then there were the things about alicia...


pretty fun stuff chatting about the past... and i told her why she was a treasured friend... things which went all the way back to primary school...


but seriously... it all started when i was telling her about kurosagi... the show she recommended to watch because of her idol inside... and then the topic about the girl in the story being able to cook came up...


and then tired la...

just being there....

i guess some things go by just like that for you... either it's not important enough or not even worth for you to remember it in anyway.... still i hope it did make an impact some how...

what's the chance there could maybe be just that little bit more sensitivity or understanding at times.... you have more than enough on your plate to deal with already i know... but if just 5 mins of your time could make someone else's day seem that much easier... an sms or 2... then why not... surely it's worth it...?

but even as just a friend....? or not.... i'm really sorry if you felt presurised in any way... but seriously... there's no one else i'd want to talk to more... at the end of a crappy day...

i just wonder at times if things i do are even appreciated at all.... maybe you might even find it bothersome... but heck... if there's even a minute chance that what i do could make you laugh or smile... make your day that little bit better or ease your pain... i'd do it in a flash... again and again... 5 mins or not... because you are worth the effort....

just so you know that you are not alone....

maybe it takes longer to earn your trust... i don't know... unfortunately... things don't usually go away because you try to pretend they are not there.... it just causes more hurt and pain...

anyways... maybe you wouldn't even bother to notice...



okay... so i changed the song... aiya some one said the girl on the left voice too act cute... but wah lau... is CUTE wad.... haiz...

so here's a bit of trivia on this song then... it's of course mr. 范逸臣's song... but i took this one which is the excerpt of the movie 海角七号 or Cape no. 7 which i know was showing in singpore before i came back... so catch it if you can... but actually only if you like a no storyline love story and you wanna see a little of what i see every day....

anyways... the whole reason the movie is that popular here in taiwan... and even MORE popular here in my area... is because the movie was shot in... welll... my area (no prizes for guessing)... right here 10 mins away in heng chun area... and slightly futher up in kenting... hence the craze.... hence what i see every day....

also... if you remember the song before this... the slightly off tuned entrance voice... it was sung by the girl on the keyboard.... ^-^!! cute right...? lol sorry.... sucker for girls who play instruments la... anyways you can pretty much tell when the focus was on her for a sentence of the song... little off tune also....

so there... enjoy...

wiping away the past... remembering it all....

because all that was lacking... was toybox playing in the background... and it would have been an exact copy and paste from better times in the past...

i missed it terribly....

maybe it IS because i'm the only child... somethings i don't understand.... i don't comprehend... so i try to make up for it by always trying to give others choices... to take away the impression that people like us always have to get our way... but you put your faith in people who couldn't give a second hoot about you... and those choices usually end up the same way...

utterly and sorely disappointing...

thus sometimes... i guess you do have to stand up for things you want.... and just maybe people around might take you more seriously...


all you want actually... is some one to be on the other end of your voice... with a simple "haha... it's okay..." or "no... it's not dumb".... it's all i ask really... somewhere i could bounce my day off... bounce ideas off... bounce what i was feeling off... just humour me anyways... or slap me back with the brutal truth... but for godsake... just listen....

for her voice....

i forgot what i wanted to say... keeping quiet for most of it... but it made me feel alive again for a change.... a voice at the end of my voice... having to think doubley hard to phrase my thoughts.... and it wasn't until yihang threatened to throw me off the top bunk if i didn't tell him the story properly... that i truly for a day... felt at peace...

neither looking forward nor dreading tomorrow because of all the things left untouched.... but serene peace...

and for once in a long time... i had nothing i wanted to say or do before i closed my eyes.... and even if it is for a day... for this one time it'll be something to remember....



which is exactly why i waited up to say "happy birthday..."

the past was the past...

apparently...

spent the first night back telling the guys about home leave...

i related everything that happened... and apparently... according to them... there's still that little bit of hope....

i wish i could be that optimistic...

because if one could do all that... but yet still turn around... and say those words... then where do i stand really...?

apparently... it's normal... because yi hang has gone through all that with his "c-cup" (thats how she was refered to...) and more... and yea... still nothing...

when to me... all that would matter... is a home cooked meal with the folks.... so pardon me if i took it for granted that it was a done deal between you guys... and i was genuinely suprised when those words came out....

okay and relieved too... ^-^...

still in some ways... i don't totally buy the whole story.... but that's my own problem...


sheesh... i shouldn't be bothering about this really... with what... more than 6 months to go here... the work is already piling up... i can't walk for more than a distance in camp without some one saying to me.... "jap! eh i got claim to do..." / "jap! when u settling the claims?" ..... spare me pls... there's alot else for me to catch up on... and contrary to popular belief... i do have claims of my own... i'm just as anxious to do it....

and then there's bills and AORs to settle... there's the remittance for dec... there's the expenditure summary to do....

but apparently it's quite obvious that even eileen could tell... it's affecting the way i reply... so really sorry for sounding a little down...


here's wishing in vain that things will improve...


better start working on getting those mystery boxes already...

taking all reason away...

it was good seeing the guys back at HQSA... clement, kelvin, yan shen, winson, nicholas, jayson, daryl, andrew, raakesh... (left anyone out?) and the mdms...

and of course clement... 2lt w e ho...

talked to everyone... reminised about the times i sat next to kelvin looking at blogs... edmw... and then learning about his recent fight... power la... i think he has magical self healing powers...

had lunch with clement (HQSA one...) at fish and co..... and there got nice waitress... ^_^

and i think i saw jia ler too.... ^_^

-------

but then it went downhill from there... needless to say... lost my appetite and skipped dinner...

so this is how it all played out...

and i'm sorry for anything and everything... phrasing it nicely...

but i just needed to know...

-----

anyways this isn't some sort of not here nor there thing that you bring back to taiwan with you for the next 6-7 months... and more... (confirm delay which is sianz... or extended which is my choice one) it is the reason you are there and doing your best... what you look forward to... what you hold on to...

why you tolerate the nonsense from people there...

yea i push myself to do so... because it's not within me to leave anything not here nor there... i always do my best...

it's just too bad then...


"SEND ME BACK LA!!" .... sounds really tempting.... see la... past the 6 months... lao jiao already... guai lan already... pai kia liao la....



abu den..?

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oh and YUI has a new song... but i don't really like it...

yet...

when common sense prevails...

someone please tell me that day was a dream... a joke...

because it meant so much to me... it meant everything...

but it seems like it's not even a passing mention in your memories...

i would really feel much better... i could at least laugh it off... unfortunately not... it was real...

and it starting to feel like a more atas hui ee attempt... because no matter what the few interested parties tried to give... the one which mattered... was the one who gave NOTHING... but stood there... looked the part and played his little instrument...

talk about trying your best... save it... must have forgotten the golden rule that if you had to try THAT had... you would probably fail in the end anyways... it's just like that...



looking for the cd this morning... found it... and opened it up... and then common sense came to me...

was i seriously delusional...? did i think it could happen...?

how come common sense didn't stop me in the first place... and now it was trying to make sense of my actions... making a fool out of me...?

21 years of prayers and counting...


sorry for sprouting all that nonsense in the other post... but if it's the last thing i hope...

the one better NOT be that faggot...


thus another sleepless night for me...

Newcastle 2 - Aston Villa 0

long time since i've posted up match highlights... probably because they have sucked the last few matches... lol... seems we're getting back on track... and aston villa isn't a bad team at all... good win i would say...

looks like it was worth getting the jerseys for myself and eileen already...!!

2 goals by oba martins settled the match.... great to see him somersaulting again... something i tried to do on sunday... haa...

1st goal


2nd goal

we're all just trying to do our best...

i think if it's one lesson i've taken back with me from the experience so far... my boss taught me that... because even as i worked hard... i truly did put in my best effort... i never really thought of it that way...

sometimes try as we may... some things are just beyond our reach... and i had to trouble my boss to get the chef... and to go down to the bank to help stop them from closing...

i smsed him a "thank you, sir..."

he replied, "we're all just trying to do our best, aren't we?"...

it's so true...


but seriously... i'm just doing my best... probably because that's all i can offer you right now... the flaws... and handicaps i have... as much as i hate it... it's plain for all to see... and my best isn't going to be enough...

i hate having things beyond my control... it isn't fair...

you definitely deserve far better than that... far far better...

i'm scared... i'm really scared... but i'm not going to believe for one second that i'm going to have to live my life this way forever... the much needed healing will come... sooner or later...

i just want to be good enough for you.... that is all i pray.... but for now i can only give my best...