can only say i tried my utmost... but it played out this way...

continued from the previous post...

and so my boss continued on...

boss: you were definitely more than we hoped for... i can safely say you performed beyond our expectations...

me: thanks sir...

boss: however... if there's one thing i realised that you have to change... it would be your social skills... you don't really mix around that much... it's always the same usual group of friends... and i feel that you may like to improve on that... i also observed that you can't really take pressure... that you get easily agitated... but also having said that... i understand that this was definitely not an easy job to handle because of your upperstudy... and it was a steep learning curve for you...

me: yes sir... agreed to some extent...

of course i'm not going to waste my breath explaining myself to him... a totally useless thing to do... but anyways... so i can just get it off my chest...

1) i just wonder if he was comparing me to yihang... well... duh... sir if you would like to count the number of hours he was ever in office.... the number of morning offs taken... i too would have excellent social skills... i just hope you all realise sooner or later how much work i have done being the only clerk who is ever present in the orderly room...

2) yes... in some sense i can't take being stressed... but that's only because while i'm busy thinking or working with all the documents... people come in with all sorts of requests...

- for help with using the photocopier...
- duty amendment forms...
- to check their leave records...
- to scan their thumbdrives...
- to check and solve the OA problems...
- to fax documents...
- to get nominal roll...
- to apply home leave...
- to change remittance... (well after the closing date)
- to do claims...
- i also answer every call that comes in and attempt to call the person needed to call back to the caller....

and above all that... during duty weeks i get ready the despatch and go to the post office and then rush back in time to get the RO done and signed...

so i would actually tell his theory of me not being able to handle stress to go to hell for all i care... i can well take the pressure better than any one else...

truth is... all i needed was to hear some words of encouragement so that i would know that my time here was worth it no matter the shit that was place before me... from the people that meant the most to me... but it didn't work out... so maybe you can see how that might have affected my moods and feelings sir... case in point... yihang was on the DVT almost every night for a few hours... i just hoped for a few mins a week...

but sir... if anything... i just want to say i tried my best in everything that i did there... and nothing less...

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i guess i went through some of my lowest points during the last 1 year... when all i could do was just watch on and hope for the best... or when there was totally no communication at all... then it sort of became better for awhile... then there were the empty promises and silly excuses... and then when was i got injured in june... lying in hospital alone... or moving around camp all bandaged up... and i hoped so much that some how i would be able to hear those words "it's okay..."... these were definitely the low points where i got really discouraged and i wondered if it was all worth it throughout...

it's over i guess... but these are deeply etched memories that will stay forever...