it could be i was just being stupid...

i still remember the events that flashed through my head when cco asked what i had learnt during the past 1 year...


the stress...
the pain...
the arguments...
the misunderstandings...
the stubbornness....
the insensitive....
the repetitiveness...
the laziness...
the outright daring...
the advantage-takers...
the unfairness...
the politics...
the ungratfulness...
the disappontments...

the feeling of being all alone...


i remembered the times i was all alone in office with the pile of work... close to tears... and then looking around and at my phone... realising that there was simply no one i that i could call for help or just a little encouragement... especially so during the weekends...

or even the few hours i was lying in hospital after my accident....

just then some one comes into the office and asks if i could check his leave balance...


SO WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR DOCU CLERK FOR YOU IDIOT...? AND NO... I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE TRAINING SPEC IS....!!!


newcastle gets relegated... once close friends and people that i like are leaving or have left... even you are slowly and surely slipping away from my life...


so sir.... i've learnt that the past year wasn't worth it at all... yes i would have been more miserable back home... but this wasn't how i expected things to be... all the effort and feelings that i've put into everything this one year plus... i've gotten nothing in return...

lol... but i couldn't tell you that could i...?

thus... i've learnt absolutely nothing...


or rather maybe that the effort i put out and the results i reap are usually inversely proportional... unfortunately... i only believe in giving my best in everything i do... it's really too bad then...

say it isn't so...

tiring days ahead... fortunately met veronica and he xuan yesterday... or i would be completely lost....



so anyways... the last thing i need now is any discouragement... did i really come back just to see and experience all of this...?


they were spot on when they asked if i had any... no of course... and that's where it began to make sense...



why couldn't it be my overactive imagination in play...?


it's all i want at this moment... i don't think i'm asking for much... can i not keep everything to myself and myself alone...?


no la... i just keep telling myself that if i wasn't the finance clerk i wouldn't come back at all... VES till Mar 09 at least... an escape... or procastination having to face the realities...


anyways it's too late... grin and bear it... or maybe it's an accident waiting to happen...

knowing next to nuts... or even less....

i realised that no matter how much i tried... it wouldn't make a difference after all...



i think already i've tried my best... all i can only do now... is hope... and MAYBE pray...


because that's the very basics... the simple things... the first steps that one would take...



i've taken those step... or at least tried... picked up everything i could... and i've even tried to move on from there.... but it's not for me to do alone...



or maybe i really don't know anything at all... and it's just been so discouraging all this time...





the 5 year plan seems my only viable option for now... 4 years of NUS if i can last that long... and 1 year to get something stable... and then... i dunno... tw to find wa?... 20 years old then... far fetched... but i think it's more real to me than anything now...

i just want to know it's worth my efforts...

it's all about the prize...

what if it's like in the movies... where the "outcasts" usually end up with it... i'm always the outcast mind you...

or is it my time is already over...? am i that idiot who has to endure then the aftermath of when everything went smoothly...?



have i been really that stupid the past 1 year...? believing that if i worked hard... it would be worth it...


wow.... how delusional...


and here i'm told the rewards are in heaven...



too ironic if you ask me...

the things you say...

i don't know why you insult me by insulting yourself...




this isn't right...




still i deserve better...

the old one can go fly kite...

how on earth he could have claimed to have known you is totally and absolutely beyond me....

well.. maybe 3rd time's the charm...

no... i hope not...


i guess after the bycicle accident... learning to get past each week without thinking about it... maybe i'm actually having second thoughts...

i'm only 8 more days away you know...


in the ideal world currently... i could just drop everything back there and carry on here... i don't think there's anything there that is worthwhile anymore... i would just be going through the motions each day... and i hate that thought...

maybe even despise...?


or maybe i have just so little faith....



yea 'cos each night i'm glued to the tv at 10pm... if not 12am... if not catching it on youtube... and when i talk about things like that you people ask if i have a favourite shrink or if i need a referral... well... mind your own business... if doing things the sane method had been any use... i wouldn't be here now...

the ideal japheth would wait a few more year down the road and have a go at it... and be happily ever after...



yea i'm still hurting from that experience...



work could be as simple as getting people to attempt to throw a NT$10 coin onto a piece of 50cm x 50cm board (or was it less?) for prizes... no need a university degree for that... may help with the physics of it thought...

anyhow....

but that would kinda be hard on dear 薇安 wouldn't it...? LOLs....


in any case... i might actually need that number of the shrink sometime in the future... status quo will kill me one day... but as of now... i'm too lazy to do anything about it... and besides... even if i tried... i might only aid in hastening things...

lol... actually... i shouldn't give a damn...


i have the greatest wallpaper in the world right now...