continuing on.... why did it choose me...

or rather... why was i chosen for it...

i know it's like... again...? but please bear with me as i pen out my thoughts... it really helps me alot... at least i feel as if there's some one to listen...

so i mean... if (scratch that...) .... since it's gonna end this way... confirm... guarantee pluss chop...

why can't i be nice to myself while at it...? or is it more painful...? it depends on what we can do...

either way... i'm sorry if i drag you into it... intentionally of course... but i hope you understand some day...

it's okay if others don't wanna help... they can humiliate for all i care... but as long as i know what i'm doing... heck... isn't there that glimmer of a chance that i might be able to change the end...?

(okay i'm dreaming... but stil...)

so what was up with bringing all of that up... how enticing it was... and then... it was like nothing ever happened...

i look at them... them... them... them... why me...?

heck...

i just wanna enjoy my days.... is that so hard to ask for...? for what reason did i come here...?

it's really harder than a... "forget it..."

maybe the future me would come back and help... show me the way... let me know it's going to be alright...

(okay... too much heroes...)

when...? God...? when...?

i want to know...

so what's then... and what's now...?

ok... i was thinking you know... i vaguely remember hearing of something like that... and i asked myself how it could happen...

i mean... try as i might... i simply couldn't fathom... in my infinite imagination... and trust me and imagination i can assure you... how it could happen...

for it was impossible to be... to me at least... remember the path i talked about previously...? yea... i would never have guessed those paths would ever converge...

that was then... back in school...


and as i went to poly... i saw it happening again... and again i asked how it could happen...

alwyn just said... "can wad... why cannot?"

heh... one of my best friends ever... how much i've learnt from him...



safe to say i have never agreed with the whole idea... i had my beliefs then...



but here i am now... and i'm trying so desperately to make the same thing happen... for myself... ironic isn't it...?

i guess so...

but the double irony of it all... i shouldn't have to be trying so hard...

yea... you read me right... i shouldn't have to be trying so hard...!

for the harder i have to try... the more i know i will fail at it... 'cos thats the truth... it always has been.... and always will be...


it's like cold turkey you know... those times when it's quiet...
and it's always one step forward... five steps back with you...
i really wish it was possible to talk...
'cos i'm wondering if it has any meaning at all...
"i just don't want to be let down any more..."

waiting to fall asleep... to be who i want to be...

they told you that you had a path just for you...

you envisioned that path... thought of how great it could be...

and as with any great adventure... they always found people to aid them along the way... with a "prize" some where along there too... and ultimately working towards that destination / goal / insert word that you want to call the "end"....

you saw all of that for yourself too.... and that's what they said... and it was like that for them...

and so it was like that.... you started your journey with gusto and as much determination to finish... you were full of yourself that it was no kick... nothing could deter you...

heck... you even had a taste of the "prize".... but alas... false alarm... but you knew... you were on the right track...

and then it went all down hill from there....

what you found out... that it was all untrue...

so you retraced your steps.... thinking you might have done something wrong along the way to cause this... you realise that there were definetely many wrongs you had commited... but then again... how much different were others... so that couldn't have been the cause... and with all that discouragement... it soon becomes impossible to turn back... and you just proceed with what you have... hoping that you would still be able to rectify things some how... but it's beginng to sink in how impossible it is....

what sucks is that.... it was never your decision.... it was never your call....

and then you give up.... and you ask the question weighing on your mind...

how could someone else's be so perfect.... yet yours so serverely fucked up... is seriously beyond understanding...


but they would never understand... and they wouldn't come back and help... what made it worse... is that they merely looked back and shaked their heads... and some even criticised... but still you know where they were coming from... you could understand why they behaved that way.... you only hoped that they would walk a day in your shoes and understand why things were that way....

discouraged as you are... you plod on... cos you know that all roads lead home... and if you managed to reach the end without falling off... you would be able to give yourself a pat on the back... and know it was a job well done...

and for that to happen.... there would have to be some conversation.... some understanding inbetween... but who is going to speak first...? it's something you would have to settle with Him...

because if this goes on... it wouldn't matter anymore...

and you would hate for that to happen...


surely you know by now... how much you are of help to me.....?

it's just that i don't like seeing things like that...

i mean it was all fine and dandy the past few days....

till you guys decided to bring it into play.... again...

abit unfair isn't it...?

anyways... people already got invited in a long long time ago yea...? so i shouldn't be suprised at all... plus this type of thing doesn't just happen any old how... there has to be some sort of "thing" first... but i think it's still a tad underhanded this way...

and it's just that it came back to haunt me at such a wrong time...

too bad families play such an important part... to me at least...

and i draw the line at that...

sleep...

sorry about the previous post... tried to post up 豆腐's first time on the show... unfortunately it couldn't display... oh well... the recent episode was really nice... had all the nice ones (to me...) 'cept well... 豆腐... otherwise it would be a perfect show.... but i mean... 甜兒.... omg....!! 甜兒 nice de la...

but i mean if u dance with some one else... and you are the better dancer by far.... and your partner sucks... yet all that the judges talk about is your partner... you know that at the end of the day... talent still counts for nothing... just ask 甜兒's partner... abit sad lar.... but she still had to put up that brave front and say she didn't mind the attention being all on 甜兒...

sigh... tell me about it.... kind of a warped image there is in heaven maybe... or maybe it was an honest mistake la... could have done much better though.... too little... too late....


maybe i should learn from jacob and put up more of a fight... he got what he wanted didn't he...?


but... ever wondered why some people love to sleep...? what... lazy..? nah... lol... so maybe you love your life.... others prefer to live a life through their dreams...

sleep is good...

it lets you rest from your tiredness....

and you dream what ever you want to dream... i remember dreaming about all that stuff in school... but how far from reality would it ever be....

i remember one of my posts (i think...) talking about how dreams should actually be inter-connected... you know... people whom you meet in the dream are actually having that same damn dream you are...? yea... a friggin nightmare... i know mine would be... if you know life sucks... but hey... at least if it turns out good... you could talk about the whole day with the other person (or people)... conversational topic if any....

certain truths you've always wanted to know would be revealed... good or bad... you could always console yourself with the fact that it was a dream.... yea welll not anymore... it was sort of real yea....?


what would the point of sleeping in that case... so afraid to dream... oh well... or at least an option to do so la.... this should be a USMS to God... heck... it might even make UWMS...


anyways... the whole objective of the post has been reached... my clothes are done washing... going to sleep now...

for a dream so far away from reality... the further the better...


nitez...